Life has just been in a mode that is exhausting. The constant battle to make sure that you are doing what is right for your children, your spouse, and for yourself makes a person weary. Aaron's schedule is hard on us. Working afternoons T-Sat makes very little time for family and each each other. Since Sunday is his only day off that we are all off, we have decided to take a step back and spend the next few weeks focusing on our family unit and reconnecting as a family. We are taking a break from church and teaching and are going to spend that time together, just the four of us. Some may think that giving up church for a few weeks is wrong or unchristian like. Frankly, I have hit a point where I do not really care. If you base me faith and belief in Him on how many times I grace the door of our church, then you obviously do not know me or my husband. This wasn't some lightly made decision, but it is one that is necessary and needed because our family is suffering - mostly our kids are suffering. They miss their Daddy and he misses them - and the disconnect is hard and taxing on us all. Our responsibility is to them and to make sure that we are not losing touch with them and our mutual love for HIM. Sometimes I think we as Christian's get so caught up in doing and reaching out to others that we forget to look in our own homes, in our own churches and we do not see that there are people in those walls that are hurting, suffering, feeling alone and unaccepted and we drop the ball on what is just as important as the lost - we forgot the lost and seeking among us. Life gets so patterned - sometimes rejuvenation is necessary.
We are in the midst of making huge decisions for our future - purchasing a home, continuing education...the fact is that we need to breath. I want to eat a meal with my boys and not have to worry about where we have to be or what we have to do in a day...I want to sit back and watch my husband and boys laugh and find joy in just being able to relax and spend time together. I want to wake up without having to rush around for the sake of what is "right" and instead wake up, sit at the table with the three most important people in my life and talk about the most important things in our lives - God, each other and our next step as a family.
Honestly, when my relationship with Aaron struggles, when my family is hurting, my relationship with HIM struggles. They are so interwoven and connected...and when one of us four is struggling, it infects us all....whose to say that anyone will even really notice is we are missing for a few weeks - what I do know is that HE won't miss us because we will be worshiping HIM in our own home, as a family.
James teaches us that our faith without works is dead. A family without faith is dead, a family without the ability to connect within that faith is crumbling like a house built on sand. So I look forward to filling in the cracked foundation with cement instead of the creeping sand and letting my family become solid again. God has given us a beautiful gift in giving us our sons and with that gift comes responsibility to nurture and guide, teach and reproach...life has made it hard to do anything but daily tasks and halfhearted moments...I won't be the parent whose kid loses their way because looking like the perfect family became more important then actually doing what needs to be done to be a strong, loving family -
Do we really notice that there are people who need us to do works within our faith right next to us? Do we really notice that the daughter or son down the hall needs us to be a parent? That our spouse needs us to just notice that we NEED hugged? That the person in the pew in front of us, next to us, behind us is smiling for looks but crying within themselves? Have we forgotten to look in the room and see what is in front of us because we are more focused on the block over?
Maybe nothing I say here makes much sense. There will probably be some that think or assume that there is sin or we are backslidden...there will be some that won't notice or care...but I tell you that there will be two boys without a doubt who will notice that there parents took time to notice that they needed them, who will get personal time to talk about Jesus, ask questions and have their parents be fully present with them...there will be a family of four who will notice each other...and give each other the grace and mercy that comes with healing, support and love. Most of all, my boys will get to see that their parents chose them over anything else, heard their cries for time with each other and who know that at the end of the day, we put HIS command to us, for them, into action. That is what matters to me. Teaching my boys that not only are they to treat us in the way HE has commanded, but that we are just as commanded to them...