Sunday, September 15, 2013

Can I Really Just Be Me?

It has been a long time since I put my fingers on the keyboard here....and it is for the exact reason that I named my title - the constant feeling like I don't have the right to just be me.  Not because of my wonderful husband and sons - they love me, accept me...don't try to put me in some mold.  I constantly feel judged and made to feel like my walk with Him isn't what it should be by those so called brothers and sisters in Christ.  Mainly - because my walk doesn't fit their mold, isn't like theirs, it isn't always pretty and easy...and then comes the rejection.  I find it so ridiculously funny that Christians constantly treat each other with disdain and judgement because those of us who are not in that pretty little legalistic box they want us to be are labeled "backslidden" or running away from Him and His Word and frankly, I am sick and tired of feeling like I am not worthy because the truth is - 99% of the people that I have allowed to make me feel that way know nothing about me at all - whether it be my personal life and/or my relationship with Him.  Most of all, I am tired of reaching out to fellow believers just for prayer or encouragement and having people "see" you need it but say nothing - maybe it is because I am not part of the special clique - who knows anymore ------ the biggest hurt of it all is that you feel rejected by people who should be the last to make you feel that way, your kids feel that way.....your husband.. I take responsibility in the fact that the moment that first person made us feel rejected, I felt the wall come up, the bricks begin to form and then from that point on, each hurt built a bigger brick, and the wall became taller, and it became increasingly more painful with each passing week....and even in my responsibility for those actions, there comes the question, "Why did they not even notice?".  As I read my Bible, my devotional, books - all to push myself to grow closer to Him, to learn to accept myself and realize that what matters is that He loves me, accepts me, adores and desires to be close to me - it makes me long even more to feel that from my all fellow believers...and let me tell you that pain and longing is real and it is hard and it can shatter your faith - because rejection, for me, is the biggest form of hate...and then the moment came where a song spoke to my soul, into the core of who I was feeling like, what I was feeling like.... and you can listen to it    HERE   and below are the lyrics....

Laura Story - I Can Just Be Me

 I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece
I’ve been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It’s just not me

So be my healer
Be my comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God
So I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me

I’ve been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it’s just not my home
I’ve been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I’m letting go

So be my Father
My mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail, and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God
So I can just be me

‘Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in you
So now I’m needing, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me

Be my Savior
Be my lifeline
Won’t you be my everything
‘Cause I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me

So yes, I love Jesus.  I love reading my Bible and books that challenge me.  I love my tattoos, especially my new one.  I love people from all walks of life. Most of all, I am trying to love myself as much as He loves me and learn to not let what I see others view me as and perceive me to be change the way He makes me feel when I let myself break the wall down enough to get a glimpse of the person I see Him trying to make me.