Have I become Cynical?

I have been going through Beth Moore's study on the book of James by myself and this morning, I watched session 6.  There were two parts to this session, but part 2 focused on James 4:11....

     "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. "

As I sat there listening to her talk about the pains of finding out the things brothers and sisters in Christ have said about her - negative things- I thought to myself I am guilty of thoughts and thinking judgmental things about others....aren't we all, but what hit me is that I have become cynical for the same reasons she is talking about.  Let me be clear before I say where I found myself being, I know that be no means I always think or say the right thing, about everyone, I have expectations sometimes on people that I look to as an example and when my expectations (and I realize that I really don't have the right to have them) are shattered, it really floors me.  I AM NOT PERFECT and I this is something I have known and recognized about myself always....I realize that I am guilty of the same thing that I am going to talk about....but here is what I have realized about myself becoming cynical.

I find myself frustrated with Christians because I feel that there is constantly a "talk" about loving one another, being there for each other and praying for each other and I have seen that this is not always the case.  I have always felt more judged by believers then non-believers...I know that I am not cut from the same cloth as others...I am more outspoken, I am passionate about what I think and feel and I am not ashamed to share my thoughts or ideas....I prefer jeans and sweats and am not so much into looking the part...when I feel, I feel deeply...and life affects me....I feel that people have this idea of what I should "look" like, "act" like, etc and frankly, it annoys me and frustrates me...I feel that I have become cynical because I think that believers focus so much on what they can do for nonbelievers (and it is important to bring others to Him and reach this group) but if we forget about each other...I don't think that there should be cliques among Christians....I am not talking about groups of friends, but actual cliques...I don't think we should feel excluded, yet I have, do and know for certain that others have too....and these things make me realize that in my love for Him, in my desire to grow in Him, in my hopes and prayers to have closer relationships with other believers, I would much rather hang out with nonbelievers and that the relationships I have with them are sometimes more deep and fulfilling then ones with other believers.... and I realize that in my place of being cynical, and after this session of Bible study, that if I am not careful, He is going to kick me right out of that place because at the end of the day, what matters is my walk and relationship with Him and the things that have me feeling this way, though they matter, I cannot allow them to change the way my life with Him goes and is.....we all fail, we all have our things and what matters is that I know that who I am is who He is pushing me to be, that His opinion is what matters and I know where I have changed and grown...so I am going to take my cynical self and throw it out the door....love me, don't love me...judge me or not, I know that I can't let myself become cynical and in the same regard work on the things I said above...He is not done with me yet.
 

Book Review: "All Things New" by Lynn Austin

Again, I was lucky to be picked by Bethany House to receive a free book by an author that I already enjoy. 

Josphine, her sister and her mother return to their Virgina plantation after the war between the North and South.  Her father and one brother lost their lives in the war and her other brother comes home completely bitter and broken.  Their home is just a shell of what is was and only one couple has chosen to stay on as employees after their freedom has finally been won.  Josphine finds herself in a broken relationship with God, struggling to finally find herself and place in this new life without what used to be and battling with family and a community who still believes that slavery is what is right.  Through an unexpecited relationship, Josphine begins to find her place, her heart and her relationship with Him....

I loved this book, and found myself constantly wiping away tears....there is nothing more beautiful that people finding spiritual freedom, but when their actual freedom is given, the struggle to find their place and realize just who they are --- this book is an absolute treasure of learning, loving and understanding what just one community was like after the war was over....I see His love and handiwork in so many different situations, struggles and it is beautiful to see where people realize that the mindset they always had, was not what was really right....Lynn Austin has a wonderful accuracy in the historical aspects of the time, the feelings and just what really happens when a family divides.  

A book review: "A Hidden Truth" by Judith Miller

I am an avid reader and love all types of books. I am a Judith Miller fan so I was excited to try a new book of hers. When presented a way to review books through Bethany House publishing, I jumped. I was quick enough to be be part of the group to receive a free copy and was excited to receive the book.

The main characters Karlina and Dovie are both at crossroads in their lives. One is doing a job that is not common for a girl to do in her culture/community of the Amana Colony. The other is coming to visit to learn more of her late mother who was originally from this same Colony and trying to understand more of the mom who passed away to soon.

I was caught and intrigued quickly with in the first chapter because I think Judith Miller is incredibly historically accurate in all her books and I was excited to learn about a new culture/community. The trials and crossroads the main and other characters of the book show a deep honesty that in all different walks and times of life, we all have similar struggles...the gentleness of the way she showed Jesus and His lessons was beautiful. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to anyone who wants to be touched in the ways that He works, who enjoys learning about other ways and time periods of life and who just wants to enjoy a wonderful read by a truly gifted author.

Tyndale Rewards

I am excited that I have recently found another way to earn free books.  Through a friend, I was given a way to link up with Bethany to possibly review books for them and will be posting my review soon as I just received my first book to review from them!

Tyndale also has an amazing rewards program and you can earn free books by reviewing books that they publish as well!!! Check it out at www.TyndaleRewards.com 

For those who love to read as much as I do, this is a great way to earn points towards free books and who doesn't love a free books!!!

If you desire to sign up with them, please use this link to help me earn extra points - http://www.tyndalerewards.com/signup/?pc=kwrp-jqzk-8p86-j2qy

Happy Reading :)

Do we notice....

Life has just been in a mode that is exhausting.  The constant battle to make sure that you are doing what is right for your children, your spouse, and for yourself makes a person weary.  Aaron's schedule is hard on us.  Working afternoons T-Sat makes very little time for family and each each other.  Since Sunday is his only day off that we are all off, we have decided to take a step back and spend the next few weeks focusing on our family unit and reconnecting as a family.  We are taking a break from church and teaching and are going to spend that time together, just the four of us.  Some may think that giving up church for a few weeks is wrong or unchristian like.  Frankly, I have hit a point where I do not really care.  If you base me faith and belief in Him on how many times I grace the door of our church, then you obviously do not know me or my husband.  This wasn't some lightly made decision, but it is one that is necessary and needed because our family is suffering - mostly our kids are suffering.  They miss their Daddy and he misses them - and the disconnect is hard and taxing on us all.  Our responsibility is to them and to make sure that we are not losing touch with them and our mutual love for HIM.  Sometimes I think we as Christian's get so caught up in doing and reaching out to others that we forget to look in our own homes, in our own churches and we do not see that there are people in those walls that are hurting, suffering, feeling alone and unaccepted and we drop the ball on what is just as important as the lost - we forgot the lost and seeking among us.  Life gets so patterned - sometimes rejuvenation is necessary.  

We are in  the midst of making huge decisions for our future - purchasing a home, continuing education...the fact is that we need to breath.  I want to eat a meal with my boys and not have to worry about where we have to be or what we have to do in a day...I want to sit back and watch my husband and boys laugh and find joy in just being able to relax and spend time together.  I want to wake up without having to rush around for the sake of what is "right" and instead wake up, sit at the table with the three most important people in my life and talk about the most important things in our lives - God, each other and our next step as a family.  

Honestly, when my relationship with Aaron struggles, when my family is hurting, my relationship with HIM struggles.  They are so interwoven and connected...and when one of us four is struggling, it infects us all....whose to say that anyone will even really notice is we are missing for a few weeks - what I do know is that HE won't miss us because we will be worshiping HIM in our own home, as a family.  

James teaches us that our faith without works is dead.  A family without faith is dead, a family without the ability to connect within that faith is crumbling like a house built on sand.  So I look forward to filling in the cracked foundation with cement instead of the creeping sand and letting my family become solid again.  God has given us a beautiful gift in giving us our sons and with that gift comes responsibility to nurture and guide, teach and reproach...life has made it hard to do anything but daily tasks and halfhearted moments...I won't be the parent whose kid loses their way because looking like the perfect family became more important then actually doing what needs to be done to be a strong, loving family -

Do we really notice that there are people who need us to do works within our faith right next to us?  Do we really notice that the daughter or son down the hall needs us to be a parent?  That our spouse needs us to just notice that we NEED hugged?  That the person in the pew in front of us, next to us, behind us is smiling for looks but crying within themselves?  Have we forgotten to look in the room and see what is in front of us because we are more focused on the block over?  

Maybe nothing I say here makes much sense.  There will probably be some that think or assume that there is sin or we are backslidden...there will be some that won't notice or care...but I tell you that there will be two boys without a doubt who will notice that there parents took time to notice that they needed them, who will get personal time to talk about Jesus, ask questions and have their parents be fully present with them...there will be a family of four who will notice each other...and give each other the grace and mercy that comes with healing, support and love.  Most of all, my boys will get to see that their parents chose them over anything else, heard their cries for time with each other and who know that at the end of the day, we put HIS command to us, for them, into action.  That is what matters to me.  Teaching my boys that not only are they to treat us in the way HE has commanded, but that we are just as commanded to them...

The Road is Long...

Over three months...that is how long I have went without posting my thoughts, though I have had many...life gets crazy and before you know it time has passed...I can't guarantee that everything I type from this point on will make perfect sense...that my ramblings will seem ADD in their placements, but it is real and it is honest...

It has been a few months of ups and downs and lately, more downs...I think that there are times I fear posting my thoughts, or where I am in my life, because there is the constant fear and repercussion of being judged...just because I am in a rough place, doesn't make what I know to be true any less true and I have been scared that if I allowed myself to be honest about where I was, people would try to invalidate what I was still trying to give to others through ministry....

I think we all struggle personally and in this struggle, I have seen to many Christians make assumptions that someone has fallen into a sin or they are just not doing what it right and that they have no business ministering to others if they can't get their own life together....Ministering to others in my pain, is one of the only ways that I have been able to see Him in life right now...it has been such a time of confusion and emptiness, that feeling of being in a time without Him feeling close...and it is in this time that seeing Him work in others lives and through others that I have been able to hold to knowing that He is there...

I get so frustrated with myself because I hate that I struggle with my worth and value...I hate that I can't wake up everyday believing that I am who He says I am because I am too busy seeing all my flaws and feeling the things about myself that I deem unworthy.  I hate that I feel distant from Him and I don't understand why----I hate knowing that this just may be a season of having to really push myself to trust and know what I know to be true without the presence of Him that I so desperately crave....my biggest fear is that He has chosen this time to really push me to work through some deep rooted pains that I would rather leave alone and that He has chosen a time where schedules and jobs do not allow me to have my love be there with me through it all and I have no choice to only cling to Him...because it is in these times that I see myself more terrified to let go of control and let Him take over....

I have made a choice this time to push myself farther out of my comfort zone - rather than creep away from Him, I began to immerse myself in a Bible study...and I chose the Beth Moore study "James" because in my love for that book, I knew it would push me to really look at the things I see Him pushing me to deal with...by the end of the first video session, I knew I had made the right choice, and I felt terrified for what was to come...as I get ready to start day three of the homework, I have the feeling of fear and of awe because I am scared of what may come, but in awe of knowing that this was the perfect time for me to go through this study...God works things out in ways that still astound me...

I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be this way....I know Him to be who He is and I believe in all He does, all of what He says and all of what He promises...yet I feel empty...so I choose to fill myself with His Word....grateful that He has put people and ministry opportunities in my path to see Him work and change others - grateful that He has given me some people who don't judge me and who don't assume anything...

Some of the hardest times in life are just there to stretch and grow us...it is not about sin and what we are doing wrong, but about pushing ourselves to seek more, desire more and make us run to Him instead of away....so even in my emptiness, I know that instead of running away, I need to run towards...not knowing how long the run may be, not knowing what I have to encounter and overcome in the race, but knowing that in the finish - He will be there to catch me as I fall in exhaustion, dehydrated and sweating out the pains and tears --- and in that catch, will feel His cleansing love, re hydration of grace and most of all, knowing that my race was for a purpose and that the time spent in training (this time of emptiness) and the time spent running (this time of pushing through that emptiness) was a hurdle to be more of who He has desired me to be ...

The last study I did was on "Believing God" and it impacted me in such a powerful way...someone asked me if that was really true, then why do I feel the way I feel now...I have sat with that question for awhile now and what it comes down to is this...no matter how often my husband tells me I am beautiful, no matter how many times he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am...no matter how many times, I read and know that God sees the beauty in me, that His book is filled with love letters to me and truths - I still look at myself and don't see it --- I still allow myself to believe the lies that satan whispers in my ear....I am unworthy, I am ugly, I am never going to amount to anything, my past defines me, I am dirty, I am not good enough to be used for His kingdom...it is embarrassing to know that I believe all the good He says for everyone else and I can't believe it for myself.  

So I am off to journey with James, and I prepare myself to get through mile one of my marathon...hoping that my honesty doesn't bring judgement and shame, but an understanding...that He will allow me to see grace in others, love in lives just beginning and miracles when I least expect it...I know He is there...

Rest...

Rest....something our body not only needs, but it is something that a lot of us feel like we do not get enough of.  I am in awe of how are human bodies are able to adapt - even when they are screaming for the needs it has to be meant, we still manage to get through days completely exhausted.  

There is so much going on in our lives right now - sick family members, choices that need to be made in a shorter time period that we would like and they are ones that could change a lot in our lives - schedule issues, time together....it is overwhelming and frustrating, but in the midst of it all, I have a peace of knowing that He is truly in control - I don't find myself frustrated or hollering to the heavens - it is because I am Believing God - I am believing His promises, in His unfailing love, in His comfort and most of all, I am believing that if we keep looking to Him, the answers will come and that the rest we crave, may be one of spiritual rest instead of physical.  

I have loved the Beth Moore studies I have been blessed to be part of and this is only my third, but this one has worked on me and in me in such beautiful and powerful ways.  I have found a different kind of peace in my life, one that I did not even realize that I needed and I have finally began to understand what it means to come full circle, how to search for Him in the times that I think He is not there and how to really look at my life and choose to see that even in the bad, something can be used for His glory.  I can REST in Him in a way that I never have let myself before - there is so much we have no control over and there is so much that makes no sense in our lives and in the world, but one thing always reigns true and never changes - HIM.

He has placed such wonderful people in our lives, people who love us without waver, who support us with just being who they are and who teach us  - not only that, He has restored relationships that mean more to us than we thought they ever would and more than they even know.  

Resting in Him is not something that has always come easy to me.  I like to fix and control and figure it all out - but frankly, I am tired and have come to realize that I can't do it in my own strength anymore and that I need to Believe God for who He says He is, what He says He can do and who He says I am and REST in the presence of pure, true and endless love....so physically, I may be tired and maybe I put my shirt on backwards when I changed after work today, but spiritually, I have found a REST that fills my soul with a longing for Him that makes me cry tears of joy and hope...

Coming to know Him may seem like a long lost cause to some, it may seem unrealistic and leave some feeling like they don't deserve that kind of gift, but I assure you there is no one He doesn't already love, He is just waiting for you to allow Him to bridge the gap and be accepted for the Savior He is....and I promise if you accept that gift, that amazing love, you will never look back and the peace and rest you constantly crave will be filled with more than you could ever hope for.