Do we notice....

Life has just been in a mode that is exhausting.  The constant battle to make sure that you are doing what is right for your children, your spouse, and for yourself makes a person weary.  Aaron's schedule is hard on us.  Working afternoons T-Sat makes very little time for family and each each other.  Since Sunday is his only day off that we are all off, we have decided to take a step back and spend the next few weeks focusing on our family unit and reconnecting as a family.  We are taking a break from church and teaching and are going to spend that time together, just the four of us.  Some may think that giving up church for a few weeks is wrong or unchristian like.  Frankly, I have hit a point where I do not really care.  If you base me faith and belief in Him on how many times I grace the door of our church, then you obviously do not know me or my husband.  This wasn't some lightly made decision, but it is one that is necessary and needed because our family is suffering - mostly our kids are suffering.  They miss their Daddy and he misses them - and the disconnect is hard and taxing on us all.  Our responsibility is to them and to make sure that we are not losing touch with them and our mutual love for HIM.  Sometimes I think we as Christian's get so caught up in doing and reaching out to others that we forget to look in our own homes, in our own churches and we do not see that there are people in those walls that are hurting, suffering, feeling alone and unaccepted and we drop the ball on what is just as important as the lost - we forgot the lost and seeking among us.  Life gets so patterned - sometimes rejuvenation is necessary.  

We are in  the midst of making huge decisions for our future - purchasing a home, continuing education...the fact is that we need to breath.  I want to eat a meal with my boys and not have to worry about where we have to be or what we have to do in a day...I want to sit back and watch my husband and boys laugh and find joy in just being able to relax and spend time together.  I want to wake up without having to rush around for the sake of what is "right" and instead wake up, sit at the table with the three most important people in my life and talk about the most important things in our lives - God, each other and our next step as a family.  

Honestly, when my relationship with Aaron struggles, when my family is hurting, my relationship with HIM struggles.  They are so interwoven and connected...and when one of us four is struggling, it infects us all....whose to say that anyone will even really notice is we are missing for a few weeks - what I do know is that HE won't miss us because we will be worshiping HIM in our own home, as a family.  

James teaches us that our faith without works is dead.  A family without faith is dead, a family without the ability to connect within that faith is crumbling like a house built on sand.  So I look forward to filling in the cracked foundation with cement instead of the creeping sand and letting my family become solid again.  God has given us a beautiful gift in giving us our sons and with that gift comes responsibility to nurture and guide, teach and reproach...life has made it hard to do anything but daily tasks and halfhearted moments...I won't be the parent whose kid loses their way because looking like the perfect family became more important then actually doing what needs to be done to be a strong, loving family -

Do we really notice that there are people who need us to do works within our faith right next to us?  Do we really notice that the daughter or son down the hall needs us to be a parent?  That our spouse needs us to just notice that we NEED hugged?  That the person in the pew in front of us, next to us, behind us is smiling for looks but crying within themselves?  Have we forgotten to look in the room and see what is in front of us because we are more focused on the block over?  

Maybe nothing I say here makes much sense.  There will probably be some that think or assume that there is sin or we are backslidden...there will be some that won't notice or care...but I tell you that there will be two boys without a doubt who will notice that there parents took time to notice that they needed them, who will get personal time to talk about Jesus, ask questions and have their parents be fully present with them...there will be a family of four who will notice each other...and give each other the grace and mercy that comes with healing, support and love.  Most of all, my boys will get to see that their parents chose them over anything else, heard their cries for time with each other and who know that at the end of the day, we put HIS command to us, for them, into action.  That is what matters to me.  Teaching my boys that not only are they to treat us in the way HE has commanded, but that we are just as commanded to them...

The Road is Long...

Over three months...that is how long I have went without posting my thoughts, though I have had many...life gets crazy and before you know it time has passed...I can't guarantee that everything I type from this point on will make perfect sense...that my ramblings will seem ADD in their placements, but it is real and it is honest...

It has been a few months of ups and downs and lately, more downs...I think that there are times I fear posting my thoughts, or where I am in my life, because there is the constant fear and repercussion of being judged...just because I am in a rough place, doesn't make what I know to be true any less true and I have been scared that if I allowed myself to be honest about where I was, people would try to invalidate what I was still trying to give to others through ministry....

I think we all struggle personally and in this struggle, I have seen to many Christians make assumptions that someone has fallen into a sin or they are just not doing what it right and that they have no business ministering to others if they can't get their own life together....Ministering to others in my pain, is one of the only ways that I have been able to see Him in life right now...it has been such a time of confusion and emptiness, that feeling of being in a time without Him feeling close...and it is in this time that seeing Him work in others lives and through others that I have been able to hold to knowing that He is there...

I get so frustrated with myself because I hate that I struggle with my worth and value...I hate that I can't wake up everyday believing that I am who He says I am because I am too busy seeing all my flaws and feeling the things about myself that I deem unworthy.  I hate that I feel distant from Him and I don't understand why----I hate knowing that this just may be a season of having to really push myself to trust and know what I know to be true without the presence of Him that I so desperately crave....my biggest fear is that He has chosen this time to really push me to work through some deep rooted pains that I would rather leave alone and that He has chosen a time where schedules and jobs do not allow me to have my love be there with me through it all and I have no choice to only cling to Him...because it is in these times that I see myself more terrified to let go of control and let Him take over....

I have made a choice this time to push myself farther out of my comfort zone - rather than creep away from Him, I began to immerse myself in a Bible study...and I chose the Beth Moore study "James" because in my love for that book, I knew it would push me to really look at the things I see Him pushing me to deal with...by the end of the first video session, I knew I had made the right choice, and I felt terrified for what was to come...as I get ready to start day three of the homework, I have the feeling of fear and of awe because I am scared of what may come, but in awe of knowing that this was the perfect time for me to go through this study...God works things out in ways that still astound me...

I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be this way....I know Him to be who He is and I believe in all He does, all of what He says and all of what He promises...yet I feel empty...so I choose to fill myself with His Word....grateful that He has put people and ministry opportunities in my path to see Him work and change others - grateful that He has given me some people who don't judge me and who don't assume anything...

Some of the hardest times in life are just there to stretch and grow us...it is not about sin and what we are doing wrong, but about pushing ourselves to seek more, desire more and make us run to Him instead of away....so even in my emptiness, I know that instead of running away, I need to run towards...not knowing how long the run may be, not knowing what I have to encounter and overcome in the race, but knowing that in the finish - He will be there to catch me as I fall in exhaustion, dehydrated and sweating out the pains and tears --- and in that catch, will feel His cleansing love, re hydration of grace and most of all, knowing that my race was for a purpose and that the time spent in training (this time of emptiness) and the time spent running (this time of pushing through that emptiness) was a hurdle to be more of who He has desired me to be ...

The last study I did was on "Believing God" and it impacted me in such a powerful way...someone asked me if that was really true, then why do I feel the way I feel now...I have sat with that question for awhile now and what it comes down to is this...no matter how often my husband tells me I am beautiful, no matter how many times he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am...no matter how many times, I read and know that God sees the beauty in me, that His book is filled with love letters to me and truths - I still look at myself and don't see it --- I still allow myself to believe the lies that satan whispers in my ear....I am unworthy, I am ugly, I am never going to amount to anything, my past defines me, I am dirty, I am not good enough to be used for His kingdom...it is embarrassing to know that I believe all the good He says for everyone else and I can't believe it for myself.  

So I am off to journey with James, and I prepare myself to get through mile one of my marathon...hoping that my honesty doesn't bring judgement and shame, but an understanding...that He will allow me to see grace in others, love in lives just beginning and miracles when I least expect it...I know He is there...

Rest...

Rest....something our body not only needs, but it is something that a lot of us feel like we do not get enough of.  I am in awe of how are human bodies are able to adapt - even when they are screaming for the needs it has to be meant, we still manage to get through days completely exhausted.  

There is so much going on in our lives right now - sick family members, choices that need to be made in a shorter time period that we would like and they are ones that could change a lot in our lives - schedule issues, time together....it is overwhelming and frustrating, but in the midst of it all, I have a peace of knowing that He is truly in control - I don't find myself frustrated or hollering to the heavens - it is because I am Believing God - I am believing His promises, in His unfailing love, in His comfort and most of all, I am believing that if we keep looking to Him, the answers will come and that the rest we crave, may be one of spiritual rest instead of physical.  

I have loved the Beth Moore studies I have been blessed to be part of and this is only my third, but this one has worked on me and in me in such beautiful and powerful ways.  I have found a different kind of peace in my life, one that I did not even realize that I needed and I have finally began to understand what it means to come full circle, how to search for Him in the times that I think He is not there and how to really look at my life and choose to see that even in the bad, something can be used for His glory.  I can REST in Him in a way that I never have let myself before - there is so much we have no control over and there is so much that makes no sense in our lives and in the world, but one thing always reigns true and never changes - HIM.

He has placed such wonderful people in our lives, people who love us without waver, who support us with just being who they are and who teach us  - not only that, He has restored relationships that mean more to us than we thought they ever would and more than they even know.  

Resting in Him is not something that has always come easy to me.  I like to fix and control and figure it all out - but frankly, I am tired and have come to realize that I can't do it in my own strength anymore and that I need to Believe God for who He says He is, what He says He can do and who He says I am and REST in the presence of pure, true and endless love....so physically, I may be tired and maybe I put my shirt on backwards when I changed after work today, but spiritually, I have found a REST that fills my soul with a longing for Him that makes me cry tears of joy and hope...

Coming to know Him may seem like a long lost cause to some, it may seem unrealistic and leave some feeling like they don't deserve that kind of gift, but I assure you there is no one He doesn't already love, He is just waiting for you to allow Him to bridge the gap and be accepted for the Savior He is....and I promise if you accept that gift, that amazing love, you will never look back and the peace and rest you constantly crave will be filled with more than you could ever hope for.

The only one who can hinder me is me...

In Bible study today, Beth Moore said that, "We are the only ones who can keep ourselves from our Promised Land."  Could this be any more true?!!!  I know personally, I am my own worst enemy.  I am the first to bring up my past faults and failures, the times that I ran from Him and His desires for my life, the times where I felt that my sins were just to many and to much to deserve His grace and mercy - She talked about how we wear scarlet letters like we have to keep bearing the weight of our sins and past transgressions - and then she said (main idea thought here, can't remember the word for word) that we bear these letters like what He did is not enough to cover those things....Wow...who am I to carry my scarlet letters (and believe me, I have plenty to carry) like what my Jesus did on the cross - that His death - is not enough to cover those sins and make me new in Him....Isaiah 43:25 says, "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, form my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."  REMEMBERS NO MORE!!!  I am a huge believer in taking my past and using it to bring Him glory, to help and love others through the same pains, to have compassion on those who feel that they are not good enough for Him, because I know that feeling!  I can believe God when He says I am new in Him, I can believe God when He says I am new every morning, that my sins are no more, that He loves me and has a purpose for me...it is only when I allow the lies of the enemy to tell me different that I find myself hinder my path to the Promise Land He has for me - a land of freedom and grace - of hope and love - of promises and purpose...God is so good....

I have read this many times and I can count many of these traits as my own - 

 If You Think You Aren’t Good Enough

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
AND
Lazarus was dead!

What do you have that’s worse than that?

I have to say that if any of them had allowed their pasts to hinder them, where would we all be?  It is time to stop bearing the scarlet letters of our past and accept what He has done - His mercies are new every morning and our sins are cast as far as the east is from the west....The only thing we should be bearing is the love that has freed us - there is no greater love than the love of the Father....

Four years later...

I can't believe it has been almost a week since we walked across that stage and graduated...Four years ago, we packed up and moved here on God's calling  - no jobs, no family, and He made the path clear and last week, we completed that part of our calling - knowing that there is more to come.  This journey we started will be a life long journey.  We are so blessed to have met and grown close to so many amazing people here and I am so grateful for the lessons He has taught us in the past four years.  Lessons of grace, mercy, healing, deliverance, forgiveness...Learning what it truly means to have a relationship with Him and with each other...we have been through many valleys and hiked the mountain - sometimes falling on the way, but never without His loving arms holding and carrying us through...
This past graduation weekend marked the start of our next phase, one that is not completely clear yet, be we are excited for what it holds and we trust and know HE will light the path.  This weekend gave us answers to prayers, a new hope in relationships - His love came down in beautiful ways this past weekend...I am so excited for what our future holds....for what God is going to teach us next...
We serve such an amazing Savior... There is none higher, none greater and none more giving...no matter what happens next, I am blessed and grateful to know that I have Him to lead and guide our family, that my husband's deepest desire is to follow Him and answer whatever calling He has for us....

"Let the Waters Rise"

As I sit here today, I have a heart that is full of His love, His promises and His teachings - He is working in my life in many different ways, but my heart is also heavy.  People I love are suffering, people I love are going through major health issues, people I love are waiting on news that could be devastating and I find myself praying constantly for love and peace to flood their lives - for Him to open the hearts and let those who do not believe - BELIEVE, for healing and for the ones who are hurting to just be touched with grace and love...

I am part of a Beth Moore study called "Believing God" and it is rocking my world - I recently heard another amazing song by Mikeschair called "Let the Waters Rise" and I find it very applicable for this study, for the things that I am seeing go on around me, for the trials mentioned above...

I know that even in the times that I feel empty, unloved and deserted by Him, that it is just not true - and I think that it has really come clear to me through this Bible study, my own time spent in the Word and learning through hard times, that I should embrace those times because following Him is not always easy - but if I trust Him and follow Him, He WILL never be out of reach...and those will be the times that there may only be one set of footprints in the sand, but being carried by Him is a blessing and a gift. His love is enough to pull us through - and embracing the raging sea, with the waters rising is faith in knowing that He will bring us through it.  It is accepting His times of sifting us to bring us closer to Him, His will and desire for our life and it allows us to grow.  In our last session, there was a focus on Ephesians 1:3-8 (ESV)

...Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has BLESSED  us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,  even as He CHOSE us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for ADOPTION as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have REDEMPTION through His blood, the FORGIVENESS of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight...

In this verse, we can know that: "In Love, I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgive....I am believing God."

So as I see what it going around me, as I hurt for the ones I love, as I pray for healing for the ones that need His healing touch - I know that some of these things will be answered in ways that will hurt or cause loss, some will be answered in ways that may bring joy and peace - some may sit in questioning times for awhile...the raging seas are upon me and I say let the waters rise if You want them too because I am following You, I am believing You and I know that You have never left me before and won't leave me now.  What we must realize as believers and for those who are nonbelievers is that His LOVE is enough to pull us through.  That He came here to die, out of LOVE and He LOVES us still.  Our God is a God who performs and He will fight for us, comfort us, love us and bring us through any raging sea that is set before us - we just need to BELIEVE.

How He Loves Us

As I begin another "official" year of my life, I find myself reflecting a lot on the past year - and as Aaron and I are only 25 days from graduation, reflecting on the past four.  It is hard to believe that we have been in Chattanooga for almost four years - that four years ago, only by faith, we packed up our belongings and in tears (well I was), left our families in IN and MI and moved on to a new place and start.  

Moving here was one of the hardest things I have done...and as much as I know that leaving family and being away from them has been hard and painful, I know that this is where we belong.  Aaron and I (and the kids) have been stretched in our faith in ways that I thought would break us, we have been slapped in the face with serious reality checks, we have been broken down and rebuilt and then broken and rebuilt again ----and through it all, we have come to a new understanding of what it means to LOVE JESUS and LOVE PEOPLE, how much religion is not what we desire to follow, but relationship is where the heart and soul is....Jesus is the way, He is what matters, following His will and His desires for our life (which may be different from yours) is the top priority  

I am so grateful that I have been pushed into corners that have shattered me - broken me - made me question everything that I believed about Him and even doubt His grace, His sovereignty, and even made me question His love for me - the past few days, I have really seen the blessings in the pain, the growth in the brokenness and the grace that I know that I need to be given everyday - God has shown up for us in such huge and faithful ways...I am in in utter awe as I watch His plan unfold even as I type this...HE LOVES US....I love Kim Walker's (Jesus Culture) version of the song He loves us - particularly the one that I am posting below...the lyrics are full of truth and love and the beauty of what we are to Him...

...He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...

...We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking... 

...He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves.... 

I am so GRATEFUL that He loves us, that He loves me, that He loves and desires those who reject Him, that He chases after us when we are running from Him....I am so blessed to serve a God who loves and who pursues... Someone asked me recently if we would do it again, move here by faith, now that we know that we would go through things that we have and I said we would...when they asked why I said we would, I told them that because in all the bad - nothing but good has come of it - the things that made no sense, the things that hurt us - all of them came to the same conclusion and that was that something better was given to us, in the healing we drew closer to each other and Him - in the end, we knew even more how much He loves us...For every door closed He has opened a bigger one, for every broken moment, He has blessed us with more....

God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do and there is nothing that I cannot handle as long as I have Him to hold me....as we celebrate His death and resurrection, remember the LOVE that is all came from...

 For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to   condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.            John 3:16-17(ESV)

In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:9-10 (ESV)

Earlier I said that I was grateful for the shattering, the breaking, the doubting and I say that because I know now that it is what was necessary to grow my faith and love for Him...It helped me understand LOVE.