But You Love Me Anyway

I am in such awe of Him.  I am amazed of how is blessings are abundant even when I think I deserve it the least.  I have recently gotten a part time job and have found out that I work with really wonderful people.  Aaron and I have tossed back in forth trading in our vehicle because we have started to have to put a lot of money into it, but felt unsure if we would get a good deal and benefit.  I was just talking to one of my co-workers about it.  Telling her parameters on payments, etc. and she kind of started looking and we decided to start the process and see what our options are.  Within 24 hours, we were driving off the lot in a 2011 Chevy Equinox with only 22,600 miles on it, bumper to bumper warranty for 5 years (100,000) miles, etc with every parameter we asked for received.  More than we need, better than what we deserve and He provided.  The people I work with helped us without gaining anything, probably losing some and did it with joy.  Truly, I feel blessed just to be working with people who truly helped us.  I don't say this to plug anyone or place, but to praise Him for allowing me to be in that kind of environment, surrounded by those kind of people because I find it humbling.  

I call this blog, "But You Love Me Anyway" because lately, I have found myself worrying about things, being frustrated with others and in general not giving Him the control that I should - again thinking I can handle everything and not trusting in the God who has time and time again shown me that He is all He claims to be.  I hate that attribute of myself, one who is unwilling to just trust.  Without fail, He shows up and shows me that I am wrong and usually in a powerful way, but none as powerful as this.  I think that I have had my "come to Jesus" moment and that hated attribute is not going to defeat me again and not just because I have something beautiful in my driveway, but because He humbled me across the board on this one - the kind of one your face humbling that really hits you like a ton of bricks - life lesson learned.  As the four of us prayed around our car that night, praising Him for His generosity, I heard that child like faith in their voices and in mine...

Any time He blesses me, I find myself struck because it always seems it is in a time where I am being the most stubborn, fighting Him, doubting, struggling with trust or faith in His promises - yet on top of loving me anyway, holding me when I reject, He choice to bless.  We serve such a loving and giving Father.  I find myself unable to even make this blog begin to make sense because as I type I am overwhelmed with love, His presence and a sense of something I can't explain.  I can't find the words because this isn't just about our new vehicle, or having a material thing, it is about what He taught me and the lesson is so deep and powerful that it overwhelms... 

There is a song with the tile of my blog - it is one that I identify with.  You can listen to it here: Sidewalk Prophets - You Love Me Anyway

I am blessed with or without this car - I have a husband who thinks I am a princess (literally), kids who I adore and love and they return the same affections, a Savior who loves me when I am nothing but undeserving, and wonderful people in my life - family, friends, co-workers....so I take this extra blessing and accept it as something more than I could ever imagined having and in return, I give it back to Him because nothing I have is truly mine because I would not have anything if it wasn't for Him...Great is His faithfulness when I am least deserving...Great is His love no matter where I find myself and Great is His blessings when you least see them coming...

Awakening

These thoughts have been stirring in my head for a few months, ever since I heard the song "Awakening" - You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AmvyGu1WeA 

I have always been moved by music...I find it to be one of the best comforter's of my soul.  It is one of the few things that can calm my ADD brain and allow myself to be truly present and one tracked.  I have never claimed to have an easy spiritual journey.  I still find myself caught up with worrying (No matter how worn out Matthew 6:25-34 has gotten in my Bible) or feeling like I will never be enough to truly receive the love He has for me.  I have struggled for a long time with self-worth and feeling that I am "good enough" to receive that kind of love, not just in my relationship with Him, but even with my amazing husband.  It is almost like I start to let myself open up to all the beauty and love and then I hear one of those desperate lies come creeping into my thoughts and close down.  

On nights when I can't sleep, I usually put my iPod on and listen to music.  I have just downloaded that song a few days before, but had not listened to it.  I know this may sound weird, but I always pray that He would give me the songs I need to hear and put my iPod on shuffle and go with it.  This song was the first to come on that evening...as the words began to fill my senses, "Holy Spirit, we desire, awakening.  For You and You alone, awake my soul, awake my soul and sing. For the world You love, Your will be done, let Your will be done in me." and later into the song... "Like the rising sun that shines, from the darkness comes a light, I hear Your voice say 'This is my awakening.'"   

I was so overcome with such a strong sense of love and being and it happens every time I listen to that song.  It has become my "comfort" in the moments where I begin to let myself believe the things that are not from Him and it has helped me see and know that I need to awake my soul everyday to Him, His Words, His desires for my day and for my life.  The path of a relationship with Him is different for everyone.  Some choose to follow and believe and can stay straight and narrow in their walk, some wander off slightly and occasionally and others are constantly finding themselves to the far left or right and spend more time running back to Him then running after Him.  This doesn't make those of us who fall into the second categories bad, because in any moment that I find myself running back, I have learned a powerful lesson about myself and my walk with Him and I have learned to be better.  Being to the far left or right doesn't necessarily mean you are off in some deep dark sin or something crazy off the wall.  For me, it is usually because I have thought I could control something I couldn't or saw to much badness in people that I believed to be people of strength and deep faith.  Maybe I have had something bad happen in my life or have just let myself be overcome with doubt and fear... 

I love Him with a love that almost scares me because I want nothing more to please Him and become the person who He has laid out for me to be.  Like David, I know I am chasing after His heart, but I stumble, I struggle, I do or think terrible things...I just want to be someone who someday standing before their King, Redeemer, Savior...and is told the simple words of, "Well done."  

My daily prayer has become one of an awakening...that every day the words of that song are where I lay myself down in the morning.  As my wonderful husband tells me everyday that I am a princess because I am a daughter of the King and he will do his best to treat me as such (and he does his best because I know that I have a love in that man that is more than I will ever deserve) I remind myself that my soul belongs to another, one who has loved me enough to die for me, forgive me, deliver me and awaken my heart to something better than life has to offer.   

The why....

I have had a blog before, and then slacked off with it...when I began to think about doing it again, it seemed everyone was doing it and I didn't want to seem like a crowd follower-that has never really been my mantra.  Now, I just want to do it for me (thanks to Laura who made me think about it in a different way).

This is going to be about my thoughts, my spiritual growths and struggles...I will always be in awe of the fact that Jesus delivered me, saved me and loves "even a heart like mine" - I am not claiming to be brilliant with words and even with clear thoughts, but I have always known that sometimes sharing reaches other in a way that normal things don't and maybe someday my blog will do that.  I can promise you I will be real and probably brutally honest at times - but it is in the moments that I have the most clarity and truth...


My walk with Jesus has not been easy and my path has definitely not been straight, but I have learned much and gained even more...the greatest lesson of all is that His LOVE is like no other...it brings LIGHT in the dark, HOPE in the deepest pits and can fill you up like nothing else...GOD IS LOVE and it is my desire that one day at least one person will see His love through me...


So begins my blogging journey again...