Can I Really Just Be Me?

It has been a long time since I put my fingers on the keyboard here....and it is for the exact reason that I named my title - the constant feeling like I don't have the right to just be me.  Not because of my wonderful husband and sons - they love me, accept me...don't try to put me in some mold.  I constantly feel judged and made to feel like my walk with Him isn't what it should be by those so called brothers and sisters in Christ.  Mainly - because my walk doesn't fit their mold, isn't like theirs, it isn't always pretty and easy...and then comes the rejection.  I find it so ridiculously funny that Christians constantly treat each other with disdain and judgement because those of us who are not in that pretty little legalistic box they want us to be are labeled "backslidden" or running away from Him and His Word and frankly, I am sick and tired of feeling like I am not worthy because the truth is - 99% of the people that I have allowed to make me feel that way know nothing about me at all - whether it be my personal life and/or my relationship with Him.  Most of all, I am tired of reaching out to fellow believers just for prayer or encouragement and having people "see" you need it but say nothing - maybe it is because I am not part of the special clique - who knows anymore ------ the biggest hurt of it all is that you feel rejected by people who should be the last to make you feel that way, your kids feel that way.....your husband.. I take responsibility in the fact that the moment that first person made us feel rejected, I felt the wall come up, the bricks begin to form and then from that point on, each hurt built a bigger brick, and the wall became taller, and it became increasingly more painful with each passing week....and even in my responsibility for those actions, there comes the question, "Why did they not even notice?".  As I read my Bible, my devotional, books - all to push myself to grow closer to Him, to learn to accept myself and realize that what matters is that He loves me, accepts me, adores and desires to be close to me - it makes me long even more to feel that from my all fellow believers...and let me tell you that pain and longing is real and it is hard and it can shatter your faith - because rejection, for me, is the biggest form of hate...and then the moment came where a song spoke to my soul, into the core of who I was feeling like, what I was feeling like.... and you can listen to it    HERE   and below are the lyrics....

Laura Story - I Can Just Be Me

 I’ve been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece
I’ve been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It’s just not me
So be my healer
Be my comfort
Be my peace
‘Cause I can be broken
I can be needy
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God
So I can just be me
So I can just be me
I can just be me
I’ve been living like an orphan
Trying to belong here
But it’s just not my home
I’ve been holding on so tightly
To all the things that I think
That satisfy my soul
But I’m letting go
So be my Father
My mighty Warrior
Be my King
‘Cause I can be scattered, frail, and shattered
Lord, I need You now to be
Be my God
So I can just be me
‘Cause I was lost in this dark world
Until I was finally found in you
So now I’m needing, desperately pleading
Oh Lord, be all to me
Be my Savior
Be my lifeline
Won’t you be my everything
‘Cause I’m so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be
Be my God
Please be my God
Be my God
So I can just be me

So yes, I love Jesus.  I love reading my Bible and books that challenge me.  I love my tattoos, especially my new one.  I love people from all walks of life. Most of all, I am trying to love myself as much as He loves me and learn to not let what I see others view me as and perceive me to be change the way He makes me feel when I let myself break the wall down enough to get a glimpse of the person I see Him trying to make me.

When Did LOVE stop being the focus....

I have been tossing this blog post around - trying to make sure that I am clear in what I say - that my thoughts are not misunderstood or taken in the wrong way...and as I type this, I realize that the people I am most worried about getting this from is "Christians" or "Church people".  I found myself laughing because my same thoughts and frustration is at these people.

I think that the "Church" or "Christians" are very guilty of finding a sin and making it the sin of the decade - and I think that many end up forgetting what HE is about and end turning into exactly what we should NOT be - hateful.  I am so frustrated and hurt by the way believers are using scripture and His teaching to be hateful to the homosexual community.  In the past few weeks, I have seen the constant "sharing" of posts - the pictures that make fun of the equality picture - comments like "I hope they make gum legal" and other ignorant type statements ---- and all I can think is that here are Christians, complaining about being people being "immoral" or "woldly" and in turn acting in the EXACT SAME MANNER ----doing nothing with love and everything with judgement and disdain.  Yet, these Christians are surprised that people reject His love....hmmmm, wonder why?  

I want to be clear - I believe that when it comes to anything that has to do with civil liberties and government issues, benefits or choices, our country was founded on the basis that all men (peoples) are created equal.  I want to be allowed to have freedom to worship and love who I choose, freedom to say and feel what I think, carry a weapon or write a blog without fear of persecution and hatred....and I think that it would be wrong if laws were passed telling pastors what they could and could not preach on, what the church could or could not believe in and in desiring all these things we have to realize that it is just as wrong of us to want these for ourselves, but not every other person have the same rights .... that we have decided that it is okay to group people into who deserves and who doesn't deserve these rights based on what we as humans see as what is acceptable...it is okay for us to be free, but not this group, etc......I can see it now, that there will be people reading this who say she must be backslidden or falling away from God ----- I assure you that this is not the case.....I am just tired of people saying they love Him and want to follow Him, be like Him and then picking a group of people and persecuting them and spewing hatred and not showing love, grace, mercy and all the other attributes that we want Him to show us.  God's love covers all sin - His love is here for all to accept --- we take scriptures in Matthew and assume it gives us rights to judge and point fingers at others sins ---- I think we all forget that we need to be making sure our own life is free and clear - clean from sins...and to be honest, how many people are really honest with themselves about their own sins....it is so easy to point fingers at others, to ridicule, to judge because no really ever wants to look within themselves.  

I have many friends in my life who live this lifestyle.  They are loving, accepting, and kind about my faith choice, my beliefs...the desire to understand what I think just like I desire to understand their thoughts...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shane-l-windmeyer/dan-cathy-chick-fil-a_b_2564379.html 

The above article is one of the best articles I have ever read.  The last two paragraphs are so pure and perfect.  What I don't understand is when Christians decided that persecution is more important than showing the love of Jesus...that giving what He has given to us, in all of our sins, is second to pointing out all the "wrongs" we see.  I am not arguing on what the Bible says is sin, I am not saying that we cannot talk to people about what sin is, what He says about it...I am not disputing His word to be untrue...I just believe that hate breeds more hate and persecution breeds more persecution...but love, love plants a seed and love opens doors...it is love that died for us, love that rose from the dead for us and love that took our sin and gave us a way to be with Him forever...I believe that with love, you build a relationship and when people start seeing Jesus in you, then a door can be opened....but when we hate and point fingers, it makes people turn away, feel rejected, and why would anyone want to be apart of that?  

I am not free from sin - in fact I sin a lot...I am not perfect and now, I will probably be more judged by my own group of "church" people and "Christians" then ever before...my desire in this life is to show the same love He has shown me, to show the same grace and mercy He constantly has to show me and most of all, to show everyone that the last you should fear is rejection of that love because you are not fitting the "church" mold that people want to see....

I am not perfect and I will never fit into any mold.

So, at that note, judge me as you see fit...think what you want...read into this more than you should...and feel free to delete me from Facebook, your cell phone and whatever other part of your life because I am to liberal or open minded...go ahead, press delete...

Patience...not my strongest quality...

When I decided to do this blog, I made a decision to be transparent and honest about myself and my walk through life...my feelings...it is my blog after all. These past few weeks have been rough...

First...we have made an offer on a house and after it was accepted by the seller, they informed us that it was a short sale, so we are waiting for their bank to approve our offer...

Second....Kaleb was bumped into on some stairs at school and lost his footing.  After two times in the ER (second time the nurse instructs us to go back due to consistent pain that should be better) and a visit to the Orthopedic...he was in an air cast after first ER visit, moved to a boot the second and at Ortho was put into a plaster splint that will take two weeks then back to the boot after that-he is on crutches, tired of resting and elevating it all the time and having to need help for everything...

Third...Michael was having some pain in what I will call a sensitive area and after a visit to urgent care, then going up to the ER and having an ultrasound, they found a cyst--more then likely not to big a deal but he will be seeing a surgeon on Tuesday to determine if it needs removed...

So, to say the least my past few weeks having been doctors, ER and constant maneuvering and planning all of this... Recently the doctor informed me that I need to work on some health issues-nothing that I didn't realize so I am determined to get healthier and lose weight...I am not in denial  that I have a weight issue and these issues have made me realize that it is about a lifestyle change...I am nervous that I will fail or not succeed but lucky because I have a lot of support around me...

Through all this, I have decided that He is defiantly trying to teach me patience...trusting more in Him for His plan and purpose and really showing me the people who really care for me and my family....who support us and care for us fully...it has been hard to constantly lean on Him...I have been frustrated with the house process...tired of all the doctor stuff and wondering why all at once this comes down... But like other times...I know I need to learn patience and be more trusting of what His will is and I know this is a constant struggle for me to do....it tests my relationship with Him, my consistency and strength...I wish I could say I don't question or ask why, but I do...I long to understand purposes and reasons, but I know it will be shown in His timing...I just wish it lined up with my timing... ;-)

Patience...it is not my best quality...not a spiritual gift...but a constant lesson...and if lessons bring growth then I know it is what I need...and sometimes our needs don't match the ones He has for us, but it is those needs that give us the most...so I will give all of this to Him and work hard to trust and have patience...I know He is for me and for my sweet sons and husband...I know that He will do things in His timing...trust and patience....

Without love, I would be nothing...

I have been sitting here, thinking of a million things-the people in my life...where I have been and where I want to be...the past, today and the future...what matters and frankly, what doesn't. 

Note***this is a blog that came out of a rambling mind...

LOVE. It makes me who I am, drives most of my life and choices, it changed me, saved me, moved me...LOVE is the driving force of my life, my faith and how I want to live my life. 

If you have read my blog, you know I believe in the absolute truth of Jesus, His life, His death, His resurrection...I am a believer. The LOVE of Jesus changed my life. There is none like His and there is none that I want more than His. His LOVE changed the way I LOVE and the way I look at LOVE. 

I look at my husband, his absolute unselfish and beautiful LOVE for me and I am in awe. That extends to our children and in turn I believe they LOVE in that same unselfish way and all of this centers back to the greatest LOVE of all - the one that comes from Jesus because there is no greater and none comparable. 

I believe in LOVE. I believe it heals, forgives, offers grace, comforts, grows, builds relationships... It is the most powerful emotion and action we can give and do. I believe if we all gave it freely, without barriers and rules - life as we know would be radically different. I like to radical-and I choose to live and LOVE that way...many believe that my faith would cause me to have certain rules, boundaries - even prejudices...your wrong--if I did not LOVE, I could not be, but most of all, I could never be a light in the dark, hopeful in the hopeless, life in the death of humanity...I would not be but a shell - lost - alone - empty...

Choose LOVE. 

The path we take...

I sit here today, looking at the beautiful sun shine, having felt the blistering cold wind...grateful for the beautiful day we had yesterday, and how my wonderful husband sacrificed sleep to spend the day hiking with us and enjoying the weather...

We hiked such a beautiful trail - from Craven's House to Sunset Rock....

 Filled with mossy covered rocks...

 Beautiful sunlit paths of rocks...

 It was beautiful....

 As we walked along, the kids were walking ahead, having fun, laughing about how the path reminded them of LOTR and The Hobbit...joking around about all the Smeagol holes they found that they thought he would hide in or live in...Aaron and I were walking more slow, enjoying the day and at one point stopped for a few minutes so I could have a minute of rest...(I am a little out of shape and the uphill was a little rough on this old girl)...I realized that we could no longer hear them, but not overly worried, they are 12 and 14...as we drew closer to our destination, we ran into some people and they had seen the boys so I was excited to get caught up...the problem, when we arrived at Sunset Rock, the trail had a split and we quickly realized that we had no way to know which way they went...we split up and met back up, realizing they took the path going way past Sunset Rock and decided that I would head back to the car and Aaron would forge on, searching for our children.  As we parted, I was crying, worried that the kids would not think to stop and realize it had been a while since they seen us and dark was only a short time away...as I headed back to the car, so I could drive to Sunset Rock (this way I could pick them all up) I prayed for Aaron to call...when the phone rang, and he told me they had met up I was so happy...they finally turned around because they realized they had been walking forever, hadn't seen us in awhile...We were so worried and they were rambling about the fun they had together...how much they loved the path...

My point in telling this story is this...because today I thought isn't this like life...The Father seeking and searching for His children as we forge on - enjoying what is around us, laughing and having fun with our family and friends...do we run back to Him when we realize it has been to long since we saw or spoken to Him or do we always walk away, never returning the seeking and searching He always is giving to us...He is constantly following us on our path through life...sometimes we walk together, sometimes we run ahead and eventually turn around and sometimes, some of us run ahead and keep on running.  I think as a Father, He gives us the chance to walk ahead - with the knowledge He has given us, but we must always be mindful that He is with us, seeking us out, searching for us - God desires to walk through life with us - I believe that He wants us to grow and enjoy life but we should never forget that He is there  ---- like my boys becoming mindful that they had not seen their father in a while, and turning around to find him, we must always be mindful that He is the One that we should run to, that He is there and that we should be coming to Him not just with the hard times, but with stories and ramblings of fun and the beauty around us...He delights in our happiness and in what brings us joy....

The path we walked is part of His creation, and even in the 30 minutes of being worried, I delighted so much in the beauty He created, in the wonder of what was before me - just as He delights in us - sees the beauty in us, His ultimate creation. 

 More Mossy Rocks....

 Mossy and mushroom covered logs...

 The rocky path...

   Beautiful....

One week in...

We are a week into the new year and I can already see that He is presenting things in my path to teach me, push me, make me look at myself and really depend on Him....there are things coming up that only He can work out and help me through.  At the end of every year since we have come to Chattanooga, I look back and think that I hope things go differently the next year, maybe are a little easier or "better" and I hope that we are just as blessed in the next year as we were in the last...funny how we hope for all the good we had but want it to be "better" and that it would be less of a "trial"...and I am laughing as I type this because I realize that I am kind of asking Him how I expect things to be or play out and as we all know, telling Him the plan, well usually the opposite turns out.

So, I take back my "orders" and I ask this....more of You, less of me.  Your plan, not mine.  Your will be done, even if it hurts and is hard. Most of all, teach me, help me depend on You and forgive me, because I know that I will cry, probably question, and be scared, but I will keep running to You for the comfort, counsel and provision You always give. 

I am excited for finishing James soon....to start going through Romans with some awesome friends and my husband teaching (he is my favorite person to learn from). I am excited to read through a book with a new friend and hope that relationship grows, as we grow together....

I know that even some of these hopes and excitements may not be exactly what I am imagining, but I know that He is good, He is God and there is a reason for everything that happens - even if it doesn't always make sense.  I don't think I have it all figured out-far from it, but I believe that He is giving me something to reach for.  

This year has already shown some hurts-disappointment in people that you expect more from....realizing that people you thought you had grown close to or built a relationship with doesn't really seem to care...but everything has a season...I am great full for the relationships that I have, the love that comes from them and for the strength that He has blessed them with. 

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so the the power of Christ may rest upon me.  - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Worn....but not in despair

I can't believe how quickly this year seems to have passed by.  This has, as every year has, been an experience of ups and downs, joys and sorrows and growth.  Frankly, as I sit here, I am worn out...I heard this song, and I think it explains exactly how I feel...

But, the truth is, I am seeing redemption win and I believe that my time of being worn is being used to help me grow personally---I know that when I am in this kind of place, I am always seeking to see Him and looking for Him to show up...and I have seen Him do amazing things in the past few months in the lives of others, in the way that I view the times that He has told us no after thinking that He was moving us in a new direction....I have seen Him and maybe not always in the ways that I was expecting, but in ways that I never saw coming...my walk with Him (as you can see in past blogs) has been up and down, but in all the different times, He has always been the same God that He says He is and He has never changed, let go or loved me less...I have let go, changed and loved Him less and more....but He is always constant...I want to be more constant.  

I don't like "resolutions" but I do like goals.  Since I have gotten behind on my James study, I intend to finish that and start a new one...I am excited to read and work through a book with some friends and to begin a small group with my husband leading a group of us through the book of Romans...I want to grow in my personal walk, in my walk with my husband and in my walk with other believers.  I want to become a better me....i want to blog more and most of all, in a lesson that I have recently realized I really need to do, praise Him in the good and in the bad...not every answer will be yes, not every dream will come to be, not every moment will be easy, but He is still God and there is too much good to do anything but praise Him....

I praise Him for all the good He has done this year....from providing jobs, our needs, loving us in the hard times, healing relationships that have become true and important, to bringing new friends into our lives (especially in the life in my husband), to doing mighty and amaizng things in the lives of people that matter to us and for blessing us with another year of life, love and growth.   

I may be worn, but the dawn is coming on a new day and it is easier to rise, to look to the heavens and to see what beauty lies in the future. God is still God when it rains and when the sun is high....He is the great Healer, Provider, Counselor, Father, Savior...He is more than enough for me....

Have I become Cynical?

I have been going through Beth Moore's study on the book of James by myself and this morning, I watched session 6.  There were two parts to this session, but part 2 focused on James 4:11....

     "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. "

As I sat there listening to her talk about the pains of finding out the things brothers and sisters in Christ have said about her - negative things- I thought to myself I am guilty of thoughts and thinking judgmental things about others....aren't we all, but what hit me is that I have become cynical for the same reasons she is talking about.  Let me be clear before I say where I found myself being, I know that be no means I always think or say the right thing, about everyone, I have expectations sometimes on people that I look to as an example and when my expectations (and I realize that I really don't have the right to have them) are shattered, it really floors me.  I AM NOT PERFECT and I this is something I have known and recognized about myself always....I realize that I am guilty of the same thing that I am going to talk about....but here is what I have realized about myself becoming cynical.

I find myself frustrated with Christians because I feel that there is constantly a "talk" about loving one another, being there for each other and praying for each other and I have seen that this is not always the case.  I have always felt more judged by believers then non-believers...I know that I am not cut from the same cloth as others...I am more outspoken, I am passionate about what I think and feel and I am not ashamed to share my thoughts or ideas....I prefer jeans and sweats and am not so much into looking the part...when I feel, I feel deeply...and life affects me....I feel that people have this idea of what I should "look" like, "act" like, etc and frankly, it annoys me and frustrates me...I feel that I have become cynical because I think that believers focus so much on what they can do for nonbelievers (and it is important to bring others to Him and reach this group) but if we forget about each other...I don't think that there should be cliques among Christians....I am not talking about groups of friends, but actual cliques...I don't think we should feel excluded, yet I have, do and know for certain that others have too....and these things make me realize that in my love for Him, in my desire to grow in Him, in my hopes and prayers to have closer relationships with other believers, I would much rather hang out with nonbelievers and that the relationships I have with them are sometimes more deep and fulfilling then ones with other believers.... and I realize that in my place of being cynical, and after this session of Bible study, that if I am not careful, He is going to kick me right out of that place because at the end of the day, what matters is my walk and relationship with Him and the things that have me feeling this way, though they matter, I cannot allow them to change the way my life with Him goes and is.....we all fail, we all have our things and what matters is that I know that who I am is who He is pushing me to be, that His opinion is what matters and I know where I have changed and grown...so I am going to take my cynical self and throw it out the door....love me, don't love me...judge me or not, I know that I can't let myself become cynical and in the same regard work on the things I said above...He is not done with me yet.
 

Tyndale Rewards

I am excited that I have recently found another way to earn free books.  Through a friend, I was given a way to link up with Bethany to possibly review books for them and will be posting my review soon as I just received my first book to review from them!

Tyndale also has an amazing rewards program and you can earn free books by reviewing books that they publish as well!!! Check it out at www.TyndaleRewards.com 

For those who love to read as much as I do, this is a great way to earn points towards free books and who doesn't love a free books!!!

If you desire to sign up with them, please use this link to help me earn extra points - http://www.tyndalerewards.com/signup/?pc=kwrp-jqzk-8p86-j2qy

Happy Reading :)

Do we notice....

Life has just been in a mode that is exhausting.  The constant battle to make sure that you are doing what is right for your children, your spouse, and for yourself makes a person weary.  Aaron's schedule is hard on us.  Working afternoons T-Sat makes very little time for family and each each other.  Since Sunday is his only day off that we are all off, we have decided to take a step back and spend the next few weeks focusing on our family unit and reconnecting as a family.  We are taking a break from church and teaching and are going to spend that time together, just the four of us.  Some may think that giving up church for a few weeks is wrong or unchristian like.  Frankly, I have hit a point where I do not really care.  If you base me faith and belief in Him on how many times I grace the door of our church, then you obviously do not know me or my husband.  This wasn't some lightly made decision, but it is one that is necessary and needed because our family is suffering - mostly our kids are suffering.  They miss their Daddy and he misses them - and the disconnect is hard and taxing on us all.  Our responsibility is to them and to make sure that we are not losing touch with them and our mutual love for HIM.  Sometimes I think we as Christian's get so caught up in doing and reaching out to others that we forget to look in our own homes, in our own churches and we do not see that there are people in those walls that are hurting, suffering, feeling alone and unaccepted and we drop the ball on what is just as important as the lost - we forgot the lost and seeking among us.  Life gets so patterned - sometimes rejuvenation is necessary.  

We are in  the midst of making huge decisions for our future - purchasing a home, continuing education...the fact is that we need to breath.  I want to eat a meal with my boys and not have to worry about where we have to be or what we have to do in a day...I want to sit back and watch my husband and boys laugh and find joy in just being able to relax and spend time together.  I want to wake up without having to rush around for the sake of what is "right" and instead wake up, sit at the table with the three most important people in my life and talk about the most important things in our lives - God, each other and our next step as a family.  

Honestly, when my relationship with Aaron struggles, when my family is hurting, my relationship with HIM struggles.  They are so interwoven and connected...and when one of us four is struggling, it infects us all....whose to say that anyone will even really notice is we are missing for a few weeks - what I do know is that HE won't miss us because we will be worshiping HIM in our own home, as a family.  

James teaches us that our faith without works is dead.  A family without faith is dead, a family without the ability to connect within that faith is crumbling like a house built on sand.  So I look forward to filling in the cracked foundation with cement instead of the creeping sand and letting my family become solid again.  God has given us a beautiful gift in giving us our sons and with that gift comes responsibility to nurture and guide, teach and reproach...life has made it hard to do anything but daily tasks and halfhearted moments...I won't be the parent whose kid loses their way because looking like the perfect family became more important then actually doing what needs to be done to be a strong, loving family -

Do we really notice that there are people who need us to do works within our faith right next to us?  Do we really notice that the daughter or son down the hall needs us to be a parent?  That our spouse needs us to just notice that we NEED hugged?  That the person in the pew in front of us, next to us, behind us is smiling for looks but crying within themselves?  Have we forgotten to look in the room and see what is in front of us because we are more focused on the block over?  

Maybe nothing I say here makes much sense.  There will probably be some that think or assume that there is sin or we are backslidden...there will be some that won't notice or care...but I tell you that there will be two boys without a doubt who will notice that there parents took time to notice that they needed them, who will get personal time to talk about Jesus, ask questions and have their parents be fully present with them...there will be a family of four who will notice each other...and give each other the grace and mercy that comes with healing, support and love.  Most of all, my boys will get to see that their parents chose them over anything else, heard their cries for time with each other and who know that at the end of the day, we put HIS command to us, for them, into action.  That is what matters to me.  Teaching my boys that not only are they to treat us in the way HE has commanded, but that we are just as commanded to them...

The Road is Long...

Over three months...that is how long I have went without posting my thoughts, though I have had many...life gets crazy and before you know it time has passed...I can't guarantee that everything I type from this point on will make perfect sense...that my ramblings will seem ADD in their placements, but it is real and it is honest...

It has been a few months of ups and downs and lately, more downs...I think that there are times I fear posting my thoughts, or where I am in my life, because there is the constant fear and repercussion of being judged...just because I am in a rough place, doesn't make what I know to be true any less true and I have been scared that if I allowed myself to be honest about where I was, people would try to invalidate what I was still trying to give to others through ministry....

I think we all struggle personally and in this struggle, I have seen to many Christians make assumptions that someone has fallen into a sin or they are just not doing what it right and that they have no business ministering to others if they can't get their own life together....Ministering to others in my pain, is one of the only ways that I have been able to see Him in life right now...it has been such a time of confusion and emptiness, that feeling of being in a time without Him feeling close...and it is in this time that seeing Him work in others lives and through others that I have been able to hold to knowing that He is there...

I get so frustrated with myself because I hate that I struggle with my worth and value...I hate that I can't wake up everyday believing that I am who He says I am because I am too busy seeing all my flaws and feeling the things about myself that I deem unworthy.  I hate that I feel distant from Him and I don't understand why----I hate knowing that this just may be a season of having to really push myself to trust and know what I know to be true without the presence of Him that I so desperately crave....my biggest fear is that He has chosen this time to really push me to work through some deep rooted pains that I would rather leave alone and that He has chosen a time where schedules and jobs do not allow me to have my love be there with me through it all and I have no choice to only cling to Him...because it is in these times that I see myself more terrified to let go of control and let Him take over....

I have made a choice this time to push myself farther out of my comfort zone - rather than creep away from Him, I began to immerse myself in a Bible study...and I chose the Beth Moore study "James" because in my love for that book, I knew it would push me to really look at the things I see Him pushing me to deal with...by the end of the first video session, I knew I had made the right choice, and I felt terrified for what was to come...as I get ready to start day three of the homework, I have the feeling of fear and of awe because I am scared of what may come, but in awe of knowing that this was the perfect time for me to go through this study...God works things out in ways that still astound me...

I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be this way....I know Him to be who He is and I believe in all He does, all of what He says and all of what He promises...yet I feel empty...so I choose to fill myself with His Word....grateful that He has put people and ministry opportunities in my path to see Him work and change others - grateful that He has given me some people who don't judge me and who don't assume anything...

Some of the hardest times in life are just there to stretch and grow us...it is not about sin and what we are doing wrong, but about pushing ourselves to seek more, desire more and make us run to Him instead of away....so even in my emptiness, I know that instead of running away, I need to run towards...not knowing how long the run may be, not knowing what I have to encounter and overcome in the race, but knowing that in the finish - He will be there to catch me as I fall in exhaustion, dehydrated and sweating out the pains and tears --- and in that catch, will feel His cleansing love, re hydration of grace and most of all, knowing that my race was for a purpose and that the time spent in training (this time of emptiness) and the time spent running (this time of pushing through that emptiness) was a hurdle to be more of who He has desired me to be ...

The last study I did was on "Believing God" and it impacted me in such a powerful way...someone asked me if that was really true, then why do I feel the way I feel now...I have sat with that question for awhile now and what it comes down to is this...no matter how often my husband tells me I am beautiful, no matter how many times he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am...no matter how many times, I read and know that God sees the beauty in me, that His book is filled with love letters to me and truths - I still look at myself and don't see it --- I still allow myself to believe the lies that satan whispers in my ear....I am unworthy, I am ugly, I am never going to amount to anything, my past defines me, I am dirty, I am not good enough to be used for His kingdom...it is embarrassing to know that I believe all the good He says for everyone else and I can't believe it for myself.  

So I am off to journey with James, and I prepare myself to get through mile one of my marathon...hoping that my honesty doesn't bring judgement and shame, but an understanding...that He will allow me to see grace in others, love in lives just beginning and miracles when I least expect it...I know He is there...

Rest...

Rest....something our body not only needs, but it is something that a lot of us feel like we do not get enough of.  I am in awe of how are human bodies are able to adapt - even when they are screaming for the needs it has to be meant, we still manage to get through days completely exhausted.  

There is so much going on in our lives right now - sick family members, choices that need to be made in a shorter time period that we would like and they are ones that could change a lot in our lives - schedule issues, time together....it is overwhelming and frustrating, but in the midst of it all, I have a peace of knowing that He is truly in control - I don't find myself frustrated or hollering to the heavens - it is because I am Believing God - I am believing His promises, in His unfailing love, in His comfort and most of all, I am believing that if we keep looking to Him, the answers will come and that the rest we crave, may be one of spiritual rest instead of physical.  

I have loved the Beth Moore studies I have been blessed to be part of and this is only my third, but this one has worked on me and in me in such beautiful and powerful ways.  I have found a different kind of peace in my life, one that I did not even realize that I needed and I have finally began to understand what it means to come full circle, how to search for Him in the times that I think He is not there and how to really look at my life and choose to see that even in the bad, something can be used for His glory.  I can REST in Him in a way that I never have let myself before - there is so much we have no control over and there is so much that makes no sense in our lives and in the world, but one thing always reigns true and never changes - HIM.

He has placed such wonderful people in our lives, people who love us without waver, who support us with just being who they are and who teach us  - not only that, He has restored relationships that mean more to us than we thought they ever would and more than they even know.  

Resting in Him is not something that has always come easy to me.  I like to fix and control and figure it all out - but frankly, I am tired and have come to realize that I can't do it in my own strength anymore and that I need to Believe God for who He says He is, what He says He can do and who He says I am and REST in the presence of pure, true and endless love....so physically, I may be tired and maybe I put my shirt on backwards when I changed after work today, but spiritually, I have found a REST that fills my soul with a longing for Him that makes me cry tears of joy and hope...

Coming to know Him may seem like a long lost cause to some, it may seem unrealistic and leave some feeling like they don't deserve that kind of gift, but I assure you there is no one He doesn't already love, He is just waiting for you to allow Him to bridge the gap and be accepted for the Savior He is....and I promise if you accept that gift, that amazing love, you will never look back and the peace and rest you constantly crave will be filled with more than you could ever hope for.

The only one who can hinder me is me...

In Bible study today, Beth Moore said that, "We are the only ones who can keep ourselves from our Promised Land."  Could this be any more true?!!!  I know personally, I am my own worst enemy.  I am the first to bring up my past faults and failures, the times that I ran from Him and His desires for my life, the times where I felt that my sins were just to many and to much to deserve His grace and mercy - She talked about how we wear scarlet letters like we have to keep bearing the weight of our sins and past transgressions - and then she said (main idea thought here, can't remember the word for word) that we bear these letters like what He did is not enough to cover those things....Wow...who am I to carry my scarlet letters (and believe me, I have plenty to carry) like what my Jesus did on the cross - that His death - is not enough to cover those sins and make me new in Him....Isaiah 43:25 says, "I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, form my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."  REMEMBERS NO MORE!!!  I am a huge believer in taking my past and using it to bring Him glory, to help and love others through the same pains, to have compassion on those who feel that they are not good enough for Him, because I know that feeling!  I can believe God when He says I am new in Him, I can believe God when He says I am new every morning, that my sins are no more, that He loves me and has a purpose for me...it is only when I allow the lies of the enemy to tell me different that I find myself hinder my path to the Promise Land He has for me - a land of freedom and grace - of hope and love - of promises and purpose...God is so good....

I have read this many times and I can count many of these traits as my own - 

 If You Think You Aren’t Good Enough

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
AND
Lazarus was dead!

What do you have that’s worse than that?

I have to say that if any of them had allowed their pasts to hinder them, where would we all be?  It is time to stop bearing the scarlet letters of our past and accept what He has done - His mercies are new every morning and our sins are cast as far as the east is from the west....The only thing we should be bearing is the love that has freed us - there is no greater love than the love of the Father....

"Let the Waters Rise"

As I sit here today, I have a heart that is full of His love, His promises and His teachings - He is working in my life in many different ways, but my heart is also heavy.  People I love are suffering, people I love are going through major health issues, people I love are waiting on news that could be devastating and I find myself praying constantly for love and peace to flood their lives - for Him to open the hearts and let those who do not believe - BELIEVE, for healing and for the ones who are hurting to just be touched with grace and love...

I am part of a Beth Moore study called "Believing God" and it is rocking my world - I recently heard another amazing song by Mikeschair called "Let the Waters Rise" and I find it very applicable for this study, for the things that I am seeing go on around me, for the trials mentioned above...

I know that even in the times that I feel empty, unloved and deserted by Him, that it is just not true - and I think that it has really come clear to me through this Bible study, my own time spent in the Word and learning through hard times, that I should embrace those times because following Him is not always easy - but if I trust Him and follow Him, He WILL never be out of reach...and those will be the times that there may only be one set of footprints in the sand, but being carried by Him is a blessing and a gift. His love is enough to pull us through - and embracing the raging sea, with the waters rising is faith in knowing that He will bring us through it.  It is accepting His times of sifting us to bring us closer to Him, His will and desire for our life and it allows us to grow.  In our last session, there was a focus on Ephesians 1:3-8 (ESV)

...Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has BLESSED  us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,  even as He CHOSE us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for ADOPTION as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have REDEMPTION through His blood, the FORGIVENESS of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight...

In this verse, we can know that: "In Love, I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgive....I am believing God."

So as I see what it going around me, as I hurt for the ones I love, as I pray for healing for the ones that need His healing touch - I know that some of these things will be answered in ways that will hurt or cause loss, some will be answered in ways that may bring joy and peace - some may sit in questioning times for awhile...the raging seas are upon me and I say let the waters rise if You want them too because I am following You, I am believing You and I know that You have never left me before and won't leave me now.  What we must realize as believers and for those who are nonbelievers is that His LOVE is enough to pull us through.  That He came here to die, out of LOVE and He LOVES us still.  Our God is a God who performs and He will fight for us, comfort us, love us and bring us through any raging sea that is set before us - we just need to BELIEVE.

How He Loves Us

As I begin another "official" year of my life, I find myself reflecting a lot on the past year - and as Aaron and I are only 25 days from graduation, reflecting on the past four.  It is hard to believe that we have been in Chattanooga for almost four years - that four years ago, only by faith, we packed up our belongings and in tears (well I was), left our families in IN and MI and moved on to a new place and start.  

Moving here was one of the hardest things I have done...and as much as I know that leaving family and being away from them has been hard and painful, I know that this is where we belong.  Aaron and I (and the kids) have been stretched in our faith in ways that I thought would break us, we have been slapped in the face with serious reality checks, we have been broken down and rebuilt and then broken and rebuilt again ----and through it all, we have come to a new understanding of what it means to LOVE JESUS and LOVE PEOPLE, how much religion is not what we desire to follow, but relationship is where the heart and soul is....Jesus is the way, He is what matters, following His will and His desires for our life (which may be different from yours) is the top priority  

I am so grateful that I have been pushed into corners that have shattered me - broken me - made me question everything that I believed about Him and even doubt His grace, His sovereignty, and even made me question His love for me - the past few days, I have really seen the blessings in the pain, the growth in the brokenness and the grace that I know that I need to be given everyday - God has shown up for us in such huge and faithful ways...I am in in utter awe as I watch His plan unfold even as I type this...HE LOVES US....I love Kim Walker's (Jesus Culture) version of the song He loves us - particularly the one that I am posting below...the lyrics are full of truth and love and the beauty of what we are to Him...

...He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...

...We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking... 

...He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves.... 

I am so GRATEFUL that He loves us, that He loves me, that He loves and desires those who reject Him, that He chases after us when we are running from Him....I am so blessed to serve a God who loves and who pursues... Someone asked me recently if we would do it again, move here by faith, now that we know that we would go through things that we have and I said we would...when they asked why I said we would, I told them that because in all the bad - nothing but good has come of it - the things that made no sense, the things that hurt us - all of them came to the same conclusion and that was that something better was given to us, in the healing we drew closer to each other and Him - in the end, we knew even more how much He loves us...For every door closed He has opened a bigger one, for every broken moment, He has blessed us with more....

God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do and there is nothing that I cannot handle as long as I have Him to hold me....as we celebrate His death and resurrection, remember the LOVE that is all came from...

 For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to   condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.            John 3:16-17(ESV)

In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:9-10 (ESV)

Earlier I said that I was grateful for the shattering, the breaking, the doubting and I say that because I know now that it is what was necessary to grow my faith and love for Him...It helped me understand LOVE.

 

 

 

 

 

If Your Gonna Get Told, Who Better to do it then Beth Moore

I am currently going through the Bible study "Believing God" by Beth Moore.  This is my third study with her and I can say that I am hooked.  I have nothing but absolute respect and appreciation for her ability to be used by God to speak truth and light into the life of women.  Not only does she have such a deep connection with her faith and with Him, but she is educated.

Last time I blogged, I talked about the situation my family (specifically my husband) was going through and how it was weighing on me spiritually and emotionally.  Through last weeks study and Sunday morning church, God showed me much, but in the is past week study - He blew my mind!  I had to laugh because this study is years old, but it was breathed into my life in just the right time.  I got told and if God is gonna use someone to put you back in your place, why not Beth - we are old friends ;-)

I hate being in a place of unbelief and as we hit week three, my world was rocked open.  We have a place to journal at the end of our everyday homework and I have been consistent in asking Him to move me into a deep rooted spirit of belief, to push my faith into an even deeper place and to grow even deeper in my relationship with Him.  Now this is something I ask for all the time, to grow closer and draw more near to Him, but since this study has started, I have been really begging for it.  

Beth said during our video session that, In our moments of despair, we cheat ourselves out of hearing Him tell us that He has got this for us. She also later told us that we can't base our theology on what we see with our eyes because most of what we see has a stronghold of unbelief. The world is a wicked place, filled with people living for the wrong things, striving for the wrong way and life and we see things that make us question and doubt the goodness of God, but God is still God and He is still good and the world that strives for and does bad things, are not living for Him and walking in His ways.  That is not His fault - we have free will and when we allow those things to change our perspective on who He is - then we are not believing the God of the Bible and we are denying the truths He has given us in His word.  I am guilty of this sin and I am tired of being guilty and doing nothing about it.  As the words from the song "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets says:

I am the thorn in Your crown, but You love me anyway.
I am the sweat from Your brow, but You love me anyway.
I am the nail in Your wrist, but You love me anyway.
I am Judas’ kiss, but You love me anyway.
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd,   

for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground.
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face

with this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway 

And praise Him because in-spite of me living in unbelief, questioning and doubting Him at His word, He loves me - I am the one who knew this sin in my heart was there and tried to bury it deep in me, not wanting to face my unbelief, but in the end, I found myself crying to Him - with tears streaming down my face, begging Him to free me from myself and I am ashamed to say that I have been a Christian for years and still find myself doubting Him in times of despair, but He still loves me and He still shows me that I have no reason to doubt Him because in my time of unbelieving, He showed me just how much He is God. God is so good!!! And as He started showing me, He used this last session of study to pound in every single thing because my God is the God who performs!

Mark 9:23 tells us that, Everything is possible to those who BELIEVE.  Psalm 77:14 says that He is the God who performs miracles... and many may say that what I am about to say is not a miracle, but I say it is because this is the God that is making me from one who questions Him about every despairing thing, that is confused and doubtful in the times that are rocky into one that stares those times in the face and says: God IS who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do, and I am who God says I am, and that there is nothing that I can't do through Him and that His word is alive and active in me! because having His word is having truth and His truth is life - like it says in Habakkak 3:2 - Lord, I have heard of Your fame; I stand in awe of Your deeds... I have heard of His fame and I believe His name and most of all, I have seen His amazing deeds in my life since the moment we started this study....and I am on fire in my heart to learn more, to let myself become a woman of GREAT FAITH! Just like the Canaanite Woman I spoke of in my last blog (Matthew 15:21-28)...so bring it on Beth! I look forward to digging into the homework and hearing you drive it home every video session - my prayer is that at the end of my life, He will look at me and say that I became one of His children who truly believed Him - not just for who He is, or what He says, but for what He can do - that I believed Him.