Four years later...

I can't believe it has been almost a week since we walked across that stage and graduated...Four years ago, we packed up and moved here on God's calling  - no jobs, no family, and He made the path clear and last week, we completed that part of our calling - knowing that there is more to come.  This journey we started will be a life long journey.  We are so blessed to have met and grown close to so many amazing people here and I am so grateful for the lessons He has taught us in the past four years.  Lessons of grace, mercy, healing, deliverance, forgiveness...Learning what it truly means to have a relationship with Him and with each other...we have been through many valleys and hiked the mountain - sometimes falling on the way, but never without His loving arms holding and carrying us through...
This past graduation weekend marked the start of our next phase, one that is not completely clear yet, be we are excited for what it holds and we trust and know HE will light the path.  This weekend gave us answers to prayers, a new hope in relationships - His love came down in beautiful ways this past weekend...I am so excited for what our future holds....for what God is going to teach us next...
We serve such an amazing Savior... There is none higher, none greater and none more giving...no matter what happens next, I am blessed and grateful to know that I have Him to lead and guide our family, that my husband's deepest desire is to follow Him and answer whatever calling He has for us....

"Let the Waters Rise"

As I sit here today, I have a heart that is full of His love, His promises and His teachings - He is working in my life in many different ways, but my heart is also heavy.  People I love are suffering, people I love are going through major health issues, people I love are waiting on news that could be devastating and I find myself praying constantly for love and peace to flood their lives - for Him to open the hearts and let those who do not believe - BELIEVE, for healing and for the ones who are hurting to just be touched with grace and love...

I am part of a Beth Moore study called "Believing God" and it is rocking my world - I recently heard another amazing song by Mikeschair called "Let the Waters Rise" and I find it very applicable for this study, for the things that I am seeing go on around me, for the trials mentioned above...

I know that even in the times that I feel empty, unloved and deserted by Him, that it is just not true - and I think that it has really come clear to me through this Bible study, my own time spent in the Word and learning through hard times, that I should embrace those times because following Him is not always easy - but if I trust Him and follow Him, He WILL never be out of reach...and those will be the times that there may only be one set of footprints in the sand, but being carried by Him is a blessing and a gift. His love is enough to pull us through - and embracing the raging sea, with the waters rising is faith in knowing that He will bring us through it.  It is accepting His times of sifting us to bring us closer to Him, His will and desire for our life and it allows us to grow.  In our last session, there was a focus on Ephesians 1:3-8 (ESV)

...Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has BLESSED  us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places,  even as He CHOSE us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for ADOPTION as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have REDEMPTION through His blood, the FORGIVENESS of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight...

In this verse, we can know that: "In Love, I am blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, forgive....I am believing God."

So as I see what it going around me, as I hurt for the ones I love, as I pray for healing for the ones that need His healing touch - I know that some of these things will be answered in ways that will hurt or cause loss, some will be answered in ways that may bring joy and peace - some may sit in questioning times for awhile...the raging seas are upon me and I say let the waters rise if You want them too because I am following You, I am believing You and I know that You have never left me before and won't leave me now.  What we must realize as believers and for those who are nonbelievers is that His LOVE is enough to pull us through.  That He came here to die, out of LOVE and He LOVES us still.  Our God is a God who performs and He will fight for us, comfort us, love us and bring us through any raging sea that is set before us - we just need to BELIEVE.

How He Loves Us

As I begin another "official" year of my life, I find myself reflecting a lot on the past year - and as Aaron and I are only 25 days from graduation, reflecting on the past four.  It is hard to believe that we have been in Chattanooga for almost four years - that four years ago, only by faith, we packed up our belongings and in tears (well I was), left our families in IN and MI and moved on to a new place and start.  

Moving here was one of the hardest things I have done...and as much as I know that leaving family and being away from them has been hard and painful, I know that this is where we belong.  Aaron and I (and the kids) have been stretched in our faith in ways that I thought would break us, we have been slapped in the face with serious reality checks, we have been broken down and rebuilt and then broken and rebuilt again ----and through it all, we have come to a new understanding of what it means to LOVE JESUS and LOVE PEOPLE, how much religion is not what we desire to follow, but relationship is where the heart and soul is....Jesus is the way, He is what matters, following His will and His desires for our life (which may be different from yours) is the top priority  

I am so grateful that I have been pushed into corners that have shattered me - broken me - made me question everything that I believed about Him and even doubt His grace, His sovereignty, and even made me question His love for me - the past few days, I have really seen the blessings in the pain, the growth in the brokenness and the grace that I know that I need to be given everyday - God has shown up for us in such huge and faithful ways...I am in in utter awe as I watch His plan unfold even as I type this...HE LOVES US....I love Kim Walker's (Jesus Culture) version of the song He loves us - particularly the one that I am posting below...the lyrics are full of truth and love and the beauty of what we are to Him...

...He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...

...We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking... 

...He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves.... 

I am so GRATEFUL that He loves us, that He loves me, that He loves and desires those who reject Him, that He chases after us when we are running from Him....I am so blessed to serve a God who loves and who pursues... Someone asked me recently if we would do it again, move here by faith, now that we know that we would go through things that we have and I said we would...when they asked why I said we would, I told them that because in all the bad - nothing but good has come of it - the things that made no sense, the things that hurt us - all of them came to the same conclusion and that was that something better was given to us, in the healing we drew closer to each other and Him - in the end, we knew even more how much He loves us...For every door closed He has opened a bigger one, for every broken moment, He has blessed us with more....

God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do and there is nothing that I cannot handle as long as I have Him to hold me....as we celebrate His death and resurrection, remember the LOVE that is all came from...

 For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send His Son into the world to   condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.            John 3:16-17(ESV)

In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins.

1 John 4:9-10 (ESV)

Earlier I said that I was grateful for the shattering, the breaking, the doubting and I say that because I know now that it is what was necessary to grow my faith and love for Him...It helped me understand LOVE.

 

 

 

 

 

If Your Gonna Get Told, Who Better to do it then Beth Moore

I am currently going through the Bible study "Believing God" by Beth Moore.  This is my third study with her and I can say that I am hooked.  I have nothing but absolute respect and appreciation for her ability to be used by God to speak truth and light into the life of women.  Not only does she have such a deep connection with her faith and with Him, but she is educated.

Last time I blogged, I talked about the situation my family (specifically my husband) was going through and how it was weighing on me spiritually and emotionally.  Through last weeks study and Sunday morning church, God showed me much, but in the is past week study - He blew my mind!  I had to laugh because this study is years old, but it was breathed into my life in just the right time.  I got told and if God is gonna use someone to put you back in your place, why not Beth - we are old friends ;-)

I hate being in a place of unbelief and as we hit week three, my world was rocked open.  We have a place to journal at the end of our everyday homework and I have been consistent in asking Him to move me into a deep rooted spirit of belief, to push my faith into an even deeper place and to grow even deeper in my relationship with Him.  Now this is something I ask for all the time, to grow closer and draw more near to Him, but since this study has started, I have been really begging for it.  

Beth said during our video session that, In our moments of despair, we cheat ourselves out of hearing Him tell us that He has got this for us. She also later told us that we can't base our theology on what we see with our eyes because most of what we see has a stronghold of unbelief. The world is a wicked place, filled with people living for the wrong things, striving for the wrong way and life and we see things that make us question and doubt the goodness of God, but God is still God and He is still good and the world that strives for and does bad things, are not living for Him and walking in His ways.  That is not His fault - we have free will and when we allow those things to change our perspective on who He is - then we are not believing the God of the Bible and we are denying the truths He has given us in His word.  I am guilty of this sin and I am tired of being guilty and doing nothing about it.  As the words from the song "You Love Me Anyway" by Sidewalk Prophets says:

I am the thorn in Your crown, but You love me anyway.
I am the sweat from Your brow, but You love me anyway.
I am the nail in Your wrist, but You love me anyway.
I am Judas’ kiss, but You love me anyway.
See now, I am the man who yelled out from the crowd,   

for Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground.
Yes then, I turned away with a smile on my face

with this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
But You love me anyway 

And praise Him because in-spite of me living in unbelief, questioning and doubting Him at His word, He loves me - I am the one who knew this sin in my heart was there and tried to bury it deep in me, not wanting to face my unbelief, but in the end, I found myself crying to Him - with tears streaming down my face, begging Him to free me from myself and I am ashamed to say that I have been a Christian for years and still find myself doubting Him in times of despair, but He still loves me and He still shows me that I have no reason to doubt Him because in my time of unbelieving, He showed me just how much He is God. God is so good!!! And as He started showing me, He used this last session of study to pound in every single thing because my God is the God who performs!

Mark 9:23 tells us that, Everything is possible to those who BELIEVE.  Psalm 77:14 says that He is the God who performs miracles... and many may say that what I am about to say is not a miracle, but I say it is because this is the God that is making me from one who questions Him about every despairing thing, that is confused and doubtful in the times that are rocky into one that stares those times in the face and says: God IS who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do, and I am who God says I am, and that there is nothing that I can't do through Him and that His word is alive and active in me! because having His word is having truth and His truth is life - like it says in Habakkak 3:2 - Lord, I have heard of Your fame; I stand in awe of Your deeds... I have heard of His fame and I believe His name and most of all, I have seen His amazing deeds in my life since the moment we started this study....and I am on fire in my heart to learn more, to let myself become a woman of GREAT FAITH! Just like the Canaanite Woman I spoke of in my last blog (Matthew 15:21-28)...so bring it on Beth! I look forward to digging into the homework and hearing you drive it home every video session - my prayer is that at the end of my life, He will look at me and say that I became one of His children who truly believed Him - not just for who He is, or what He says, but for what He can do - that I believed Him. 

Learning to Strive for the Narrow Gate - Through My Unbelief

Before you read - know that I do not post this to gossip or to be hateful.  These are my feelings and I do this because of what I allowed to happen to my faith in this time and where it has left me.  I am reluctant to post because I do not want to be dishonoring to God so I have tried my hardest to be as evasive as possible with the situation and who and what caused it.  This situation put me in a place of being in belief to unbelief and I think that it is important to show what this is doing in my life.

Last week, my husband was completely wronged and was treated so poorly - by "Christians".  He had been told one thing for weeks and that ended up being a huge lie and he was left hurt and disrespected while the one who had done the things gave no care or concern.  Yes, I am angry and yes I am so hurt for my husband.  This situation has impacted our family and our lives a lot and it has really shaken my faith and belief.

I was left asking Him "why?" and getting no answers, confused because I felt like this was something  unnecessary and I did not understand why it was allowed to happen.  I have watched this person do ungodly things for a long time - lying being at the top of the list and constantly caring only for themselves - to see my husband be a recipient of this behavior was abhorring to me.  My husband is truly a good and honest person.  He has amazing ethics, values and morals - puts others above himself and even throughout this situation, has never once spoken a harsh thought or word about the person...He has truly set a powerful example of what it means to Christian in a time that would be hard for most.  I could not wrap my head around this.  I just was shaken to the core of who I am and what I believe.  I felt like God allowed the serpent to spew his venom on us and that we were just left alone with the repercussions - I was broken and I was angry at Him - 


Ironically, the day before, I started the Bible study Believing God...and the next day, I went from having that belief to not believing in His promises and truth at all - in my anger I thought there was no way I was going to keep going with that study - He was crazy to think that I wanted to hear this now, but Sunday morning I began to be humbled.  We are going through the book of Matthew on Sunday morning and ironically (again) he was preaching on Matthew 15:21-28

The Faith of a Canaanite Woman

21 And Jesus went away from there and withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And behold, a Canaanite woman from that region came out and was crying, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon.” 23 But he did not answer her a word. And his disciples came and begged him, saying, “Send her away, for she is crying out after us.” 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” 26 And he answered, “It is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly.

This woman was constantly being thrown barrier after barrier by JESUS and she never stopped pursuing Him - in turn was reward by her GREAT faith. (The word great here is actually the greek word MEGOS which means "mega" so He is telling her that she had mega faith...) He was testing her and narrowing the gate 

 Matthew 7:13-14  “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. 

She kept on striving to enter through the narrow gate - the one that is hard to find...

I found myself realizing that I was allowing myself to pursue the wide gate - allowing my anger and confusion to push me into a place of feeling left and done wrong - frustrated because my husband was treated poorly and letting the after affects put in a place of unbelief.  So I decided to continue with my Bible study homework and realizing that I had no right to let go of my belief - I was wrong to let the evil of the world and of others shake me when I should have been clinging to the five pledges of faith given to me the night before all of this happened:

1. God is who He says He is

2. God can do what He says He can do

3. I am who God says I am

4. I can do all things through Christ

5. God's word is alive and active in me

 Scripture tells us that God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and in my hurt, I should have turned to Him instead of away from Him.  My husband said that God has put us in this place to teach us something and that He believes that He will work it out for us and it will be better than it ever was.  The key thing here is that my husband has never let go of his belief and I did - 

The irony of starting a Bible study about Believing God the day before is not lost on me - I let it become lost in the overtaking of my feelings - but He quickly humbled me in many ways - 

Let me be clear - I never stopped believing in Him and who He is but I let go of the Truth and promises that I know to be true (makes no sense, I know) so I begin my path back to belief - one that I will seek diligently, more careful and that I will allow to root in me and learn to cling to those promises when my faith is met with barriers - to strive to be like the Canaanite woman...

It is embarrassing to me that I have been a Christian for this length of time and that I go through ups and downs in my faith, but I think that it is important to realize that others go through similar times and that what is important is to learn from these things - I was not so closed off that I did not hear the messages being given to me to come back to Him - I am so grateful for grace and forgiveness because I defiantly need both - God will work something mighty through this and I believe that we will be better for it...I look forward to the next 9 - 10 weeks of this study, to become a woman who believes God in a whole new way.  

I need Him to "Steady My Heart"

I have been through seasons of quiet in my walk with Him.  The first few times it happened, it absolutely devastated me...I could not understand where He had went...for me, I have realized that these are the times that I have to be the most trusting and faithful...faithful in my effort to spend time in His Word, in prayer and trusting that even though I think He is not there, He really is...

I believe when He is quiet in my life, it is because He wants me to seek Him out more and look for the things that I need to work on in my walk with Him - unfortunately, this is one of the times where I epically failed...for about 5 days, I felt myself being confused, frustrated for no reason, irritated....I just felt out of sorts...I was aware that He was choosing to be quiet with me and in that time that I should have been seeking Him, I wasn't - hence the feeling out of sorts...I have really come to realize how much I NEED to read His Word and meditate it into my heart....how important it is that I slip my iPod in and allow myself to praise Him with song and let my heart speak to Him through music...When I don't do these things, I feel empty.  I need Him to "Steady My Heart"...

There has been so many things going around me that doesn't make sense, things that are painful, things that are heart wrenching, but when I am faithful to my God - seeking Him, searching His Word, I feel a peace that even in the times that do not make any sense, my heart is steady....Kari Jobe's new album is amazing...(I know I have plugged this album a few times now, but it is amazing) and her song "Steady My Heart" says exactly what I am trying to explain...I know that I am not able to go through life in my own power and control and that I need Him...that I can't do anything without Him - so even when He is being quiet in my life, as long as I seek Him, He really is not because I have His Word and I have the truth in my heart - His promise to never leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and that He holds me in the palm of His hands...

 

To BLESSED to be STRESSED

I am sitting here with my windows open with a beautiful breeze blowing through my house...that is a beautiful thing!  

Last night I was watching a TV show and there was a man on there who has been through a lot rough times and he made the comment that when people ask him how he manages to smile and go on, he says that he tells them that "I am too blessed to be stressed."  I was struck... all the times that I have allowed my self to be stressed over things that I can't control - only focusing on the bad and not thinking about all the good I have in my life...

This morning I was reading one of the Psalms ( I am going through a plan to read the Bible through in a year and have chosen to the schedule some...I also decided to do a more in depth study of the Psalms and eventually in Proverbs) and ironically, because we all know that nothing happens for a reason ;-) my Psalm today was Psalm 31, which is about being in times of stress and completely committing to depending on God.

   PSALM 31 - ESV

  In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
        let me never be put to shame;
        in your righteousness deliver me!
    Incline your ear to me;
        rescue me speedily!
    Be a rock of refuge for me,
        a strong fortress to save me!
    For you are my rock and my fortress;
        and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
    you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
        for you are my refuge.
    Into your hand I commit my spirit;
        you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.
    I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
        but I trust in the LORD.
    I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
        because you have seen my affliction;
        you have known the distress of my soul,
    and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
        you have set my feet in a broad place.
    Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
        my eye is wasted from grief;
        my soul and my body also.
    For my life is spent with sorrow,
        and my years with sighing;
    my strength fails because of my iniquity,
        and my bones waste away.
    Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,
        especially to my neighbors,
    and an object of dread to my acquaintances;
        those who see me in the street flee from me.
    I have been forgotten like one who is dead;
        I have become like a broken vessel.
    For I hear the whispering of many—
        terror on every side!—
    as they scheme together against me,
        as they plot to take my life.
    But I trust in you, O LORD;
        I say, “You are my God.”
    My times are in your hand;
        rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
    Make your face shine on your servant;
        save me in your steadfast love!
    O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
        for I call upon you;
    let the wicked be put to shame;
        let them go silently to Sheol.
    Let the lying lips be mute,
        which speak insolently against the righteous
        in pride and contempt.
    Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
        which you have stored up for those who fear you
    and worked for those who take refuge in you,
        in the sight of the children of mankind!
    In the cover of your presence you hide them
        from the plots of men;
    you store them in your shelter
        from the strife of tongues.
    Blessed be the LORD,
        for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
        when I was in a besieged city.
    I had said in my alarm,
        “I am cut off from your sight.”
    But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
        when I cried to you for help.
    Love the LORD, all you his saints!
        The LORD preserves the faithful
        but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
    Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
        all you who wait for the LORD!   

I really just sat here and thought to myself - above all things in my life...no matter how bad or horrible, no matter how much things hurt or sadden me, I HAVE THE LORD.  Does this mean that I will never feel stress or worry - probably not, but I have found a deeper understanding in what it means to cling to the Lord because He is always there, He will make all things work for good according to His timing and purpose, He will never leave or forsake me and when those things put me in a place of despondency, He will carry me through...

So today, I will focus on my blessings:

My salvation and beautiful and growing relationship with Jesus...my husband, who loves me more than anyone ever should...my beautiful and healthy boys...a loving family  and friends....a home...a job....a car....my basic needs and even many wants are met.....hope in reconciliation and new beginnings....beautiful weather....

Truly, the list could go on and on...I can't guarantee what my tomorrow holds, but I can guarantee that I have Jesus to walk with me through...so yeah, I am to blessed to be stressed.