Learning to Strive for the Narrow Gate - Through My Unbelief

Before you read - know that I do not post this to gossip or to be hateful.  These are my feelings and I do this because of what I allowed to happen to my faith in this time and where it has left me.  I am reluctant to post because I do not want to be dishonoring to God so I have tried my hardest to be as evasive as possible with the situation and who and what caused it.  This situation put me in a place of being in belief to unbelief and I think that it is important to show what this is doing in my life.

Last week, my husband was completely wronged and was treated so poorly - by "Christians".  He had been told one thing for weeks and that ended up being a huge lie and he was left hurt and disrespected while the one who had done the things gave no care or concern.  Yes, I am angry and yes I am so hurt for my husband.  This situation has impacted our family and our lives a lot and it has really shaken my faith and belief.

I was left asking Him "why?" and getting no answers, confused because I felt like this was something  unnecessary and I did not understand why it was allowed to happen.  I have watched this person do ungodly things for a long time - lying being at the top of the list and constantly caring only for themselves - to see my husband be a recipient of this behavior was abhorring to me.  My husband is truly a good and honest person.  He has amazing ethics, values and morals - puts others above himself and even throughout this situation, has never once spoken a harsh thought or word about the person...He has truly set a powerful example of what it means to Christian in a time that would be hard for most.  I could not wrap my head around this.  I just was shaken to the core of who I am and what I believe.  I felt like God allowed the serpent to spew his venom on us and that we were just left alone with the repercussions - I was broken and I was angry at Him - 


Ironically, the day before, I started the Bible study Believing God...and the next day, I went from having that belief to not believing in His promises and truth at all - in my anger I thought there was no way I was going to keep going with that study - He was crazy to think that I wanted to hear this now, but Sunday morning I began to be humbled.  We are going through the book of Matthew on Sunday morning and ironically (again) he was preaching on Matthew 15:21-28

The Faith of a Canaanite Woman

21 And Jesus went away from there and withdrew to the district of Tyre and Sidon. 22 And behold, a Canaanite woman from that region came out and was crying, “Have mercy on me, O Lord, Son of David; my daughter is severely oppressed by a demon.” 23 But he did not answer her a word. And his disciples came and begged him, saying, “Send her away, for she is crying out after us.” 24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.” 25 But she came and knelt before him, saying, “Lord, help me.” 26 And he answered, “It is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs.” 27 She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.” 28 Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly.

This woman was constantly being thrown barrier after barrier by JESUS and she never stopped pursuing Him - in turn was reward by her GREAT faith. (The word great here is actually the greek word MEGOS which means "mega" so He is telling her that she had mega faith...) He was testing her and narrowing the gate 

 Matthew 7:13-14  “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. 

She kept on striving to enter through the narrow gate - the one that is hard to find...

I found myself realizing that I was allowing myself to pursue the wide gate - allowing my anger and confusion to push me into a place of feeling left and done wrong - frustrated because my husband was treated poorly and letting the after affects put in a place of unbelief.  So I decided to continue with my Bible study homework and realizing that I had no right to let go of my belief - I was wrong to let the evil of the world and of others shake me when I should have been clinging to the five pledges of faith given to me the night before all of this happened:

1. God is who He says He is

2. God can do what He says He can do

3. I am who God says I am

4. I can do all things through Christ

5. God's word is alive and active in me

 Scripture tells us that God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28) and in my hurt, I should have turned to Him instead of away from Him.  My husband said that God has put us in this place to teach us something and that He believes that He will work it out for us and it will be better than it ever was.  The key thing here is that my husband has never let go of his belief and I did - 

The irony of starting a Bible study about Believing God the day before is not lost on me - I let it become lost in the overtaking of my feelings - but He quickly humbled me in many ways - 

Let me be clear - I never stopped believing in Him and who He is but I let go of the Truth and promises that I know to be true (makes no sense, I know) so I begin my path back to belief - one that I will seek diligently, more careful and that I will allow to root in me and learn to cling to those promises when my faith is met with barriers - to strive to be like the Canaanite woman...

It is embarrassing to me that I have been a Christian for this length of time and that I go through ups and downs in my faith, but I think that it is important to realize that others go through similar times and that what is important is to learn from these things - I was not so closed off that I did not hear the messages being given to me to come back to Him - I am so grateful for grace and forgiveness because I defiantly need both - God will work something mighty through this and I believe that we will be better for it...I look forward to the next 9 - 10 weeks of this study, to become a woman who believes God in a whole new way.