Over three months...that is how long I have went without posting my thoughts, though I have had many...life gets crazy and before you know it time has passed...I can't guarantee that everything I type from this point on will make perfect sense...that my ramblings will seem ADD in their placements, but it is real and it is honest...
It has been a few months of ups and downs and lately, more downs...I think that there are times I fear posting my thoughts, or where I am in my life, because there is the constant fear and repercussion of being judged...just because I am in a rough place, doesn't make what I know to be true any less true and I have been scared that if I allowed myself to be honest about where I was, people would try to invalidate what I was still trying to give to others through ministry....
I think we all struggle personally and in this struggle, I have seen to many Christians make assumptions that someone has fallen into a sin or they are just not doing what it right and that they have no business ministering to others if they can't get their own life together....Ministering to others in my pain, is one of the only ways that I have been able to see Him in life right now...it has been such a time of confusion and emptiness, that feeling of being in a time without Him feeling close...and it is in this time that seeing Him work in others lives and through others that I have been able to hold to knowing that He is there...
I get so frustrated with myself because I hate that I struggle with my worth and value...I hate that I can't wake up everyday believing that I am who He says I am because I am too busy seeing all my flaws and feeling the things about myself that I deem unworthy. I hate that I feel distant from Him and I don't understand why----I hate knowing that this just may be a season of having to really push myself to trust and know what I know to be true without the presence of Him that I so desperately crave....my biggest fear is that He has chosen this time to really push me to work through some deep rooted pains that I would rather leave alone and that He has chosen a time where schedules and jobs do not allow me to have my love be there with me through it all and I have no choice to only cling to Him...because it is in these times that I see myself more terrified to let go of control and let Him take over....
I have made a choice this time to push myself farther out of my comfort zone - rather than creep away from Him, I began to immerse myself in a Bible study...and I chose the Beth Moore study "James" because in my love for that book, I knew it would push me to really look at the things I see Him pushing me to deal with...by the end of the first video session, I knew I had made the right choice, and I felt terrified for what was to come...as I get ready to start day three of the homework, I have the feeling of fear and of awe because I am scared of what may come, but in awe of knowing that this was the perfect time for me to go through this study...God works things out in ways that still astound me...
I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be this way....I know Him to be who He is and I believe in all He does, all of what He says and all of what He promises...yet I feel empty...so I choose to fill myself with His Word....grateful that He has put people and ministry opportunities in my path to see Him work and change others - grateful that He has given me some people who don't judge me and who don't assume anything...
Some of the hardest times in life are just there to stretch and grow us...it is not about sin and what we are doing wrong, but about pushing ourselves to seek more, desire more and make us run to Him instead of away....so even in my emptiness, I know that instead of running away, I need to run towards...not knowing how long the run may be, not knowing what I have to encounter and overcome in the race, but knowing that in the finish - He will be there to catch me as I fall in exhaustion, dehydrated and sweating out the pains and tears --- and in that catch, will feel His cleansing love, re hydration of grace and most of all, knowing that my race was for a purpose and that the time spent in training (this time of emptiness) and the time spent running (this time of pushing through that emptiness) was a hurdle to be more of who He has desired me to be ...
The last study I did was on "Believing God" and it impacted me in such a powerful way...someone asked me if that was really true, then why do I feel the way I feel now...I have sat with that question for awhile now and what it comes down to is this...no matter how often my husband tells me I am beautiful, no matter how many times he tells me how wonderful he thinks I am...no matter how many times, I read and know that God sees the beauty in me, that His book is filled with love letters to me and truths - I still look at myself and don't see it --- I still allow myself to believe the lies that satan whispers in my ear....I am unworthy, I am ugly, I am never going to amount to anything, my past defines me, I am dirty, I am not good enough to be used for His kingdom...it is embarrassing to know that I believe all the good He says for everyone else and I can't believe it for myself.
So I am off to journey with James, and I prepare myself to get through mile one of my marathon...hoping that my honesty doesn't bring judgement and shame, but an understanding...that He will allow me to see grace in others, love in lives just beginning and miracles when I least expect it...I know He is there...
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