Worn....but not in despair

I can't believe how quickly this year seems to have passed by.  This has, as every year has, been an experience of ups and downs, joys and sorrows and growth.  Frankly, as I sit here, I am worn out...I heard this song, and I think it explains exactly how I feel...

But, the truth is, I am seeing redemption win and I believe that my time of being worn is being used to help me grow personally---I know that when I am in this kind of place, I am always seeking to see Him and looking for Him to show up...and I have seen Him do amazing things in the past few months in the lives of others, in the way that I view the times that He has told us no after thinking that He was moving us in a new direction....I have seen Him and maybe not always in the ways that I was expecting, but in ways that I never saw coming...my walk with Him (as you can see in past blogs) has been up and down, but in all the different times, He has always been the same God that He says He is and He has never changed, let go or loved me less...I have let go, changed and loved Him less and more....but He is always constant...I want to be more constant.  

I don't like "resolutions" but I do like goals.  Since I have gotten behind on my James study, I intend to finish that and start a new one...I am excited to read and work through a book with some friends and to begin a small group with my husband leading a group of us through the book of Romans...I want to grow in my personal walk, in my walk with my husband and in my walk with other believers.  I want to become a better me....i want to blog more and most of all, in a lesson that I have recently realized I really need to do, praise Him in the good and in the bad...not every answer will be yes, not every dream will come to be, not every moment will be easy, but He is still God and there is too much good to do anything but praise Him....

I praise Him for all the good He has done this year....from providing jobs, our needs, loving us in the hard times, healing relationships that have become true and important, to bringing new friends into our lives (especially in the life in my husband), to doing mighty and amaizng things in the lives of people that matter to us and for blessing us with another year of life, love and growth.   

I may be worn, but the dawn is coming on a new day and it is easier to rise, to look to the heavens and to see what beauty lies in the future. God is still God when it rains and when the sun is high....He is the great Healer, Provider, Counselor, Father, Savior...He is more than enough for me....

Book Review: The Breath of Dawn by Kristen Heitzmann

I was once again lucky to be chosen by Bethany House to receive a free copy of this book for review.  I have read many of Kristen Heitzmann's books and truly enjoy her writing and the way that she weaves Him into her books.  

This book was such a wonderful story - weaving the lives of two people and their past hurts, hurdles, trials and turning it into a beautiful story of grace, redemption, love, hope and acceptance.  Morgan and Quinn both have individual hurdles that must be overcome and end up doing this in an unexpected way, together.  The way that she makes them connect and realize how much they need each other at first it is thought to be for a solution but comes quickly to be for everything life has. God is woven into this story in such interesting ways, from the way that He can be used for good and evil and how evil never wins, but leaves consequences....I was kept on my toes and ended up finishing the book in one sitting.  

I love when I read something and see how people can twist and turn something so beautiful into something bad and how even in scheming and wrongdoing, God always shows that He is in control and no matter how hard evil tries to grab a foothold and sometimes even succeeds, the foothold is not successful for long and He shows up in mighty and powerful ways.  

Have I become Cynical?

I have been going through Beth Moore's study on the book of James by myself and this morning, I watched session 6.  There were two parts to this session, but part 2 focused on James 4:11....

     "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. "

As I sat there listening to her talk about the pains of finding out the things brothers and sisters in Christ have said about her - negative things- I thought to myself I am guilty of thoughts and thinking judgmental things about others....aren't we all, but what hit me is that I have become cynical for the same reasons she is talking about.  Let me be clear before I say where I found myself being, I know that be no means I always think or say the right thing, about everyone, I have expectations sometimes on people that I look to as an example and when my expectations (and I realize that I really don't have the right to have them) are shattered, it really floors me.  I AM NOT PERFECT and I this is something I have known and recognized about myself always....I realize that I am guilty of the same thing that I am going to talk about....but here is what I have realized about myself becoming cynical.

I find myself frustrated with Christians because I feel that there is constantly a "talk" about loving one another, being there for each other and praying for each other and I have seen that this is not always the case.  I have always felt more judged by believers then non-believers...I know that I am not cut from the same cloth as others...I am more outspoken, I am passionate about what I think and feel and I am not ashamed to share my thoughts or ideas....I prefer jeans and sweats and am not so much into looking the part...when I feel, I feel deeply...and life affects me....I feel that people have this idea of what I should "look" like, "act" like, etc and frankly, it annoys me and frustrates me...I feel that I have become cynical because I think that believers focus so much on what they can do for nonbelievers (and it is important to bring others to Him and reach this group) but if we forget about each other...I don't think that there should be cliques among Christians....I am not talking about groups of friends, but actual cliques...I don't think we should feel excluded, yet I have, do and know for certain that others have too....and these things make me realize that in my love for Him, in my desire to grow in Him, in my hopes and prayers to have closer relationships with other believers, I would much rather hang out with nonbelievers and that the relationships I have with them are sometimes more deep and fulfilling then ones with other believers.... and I realize that in my place of being cynical, and after this session of Bible study, that if I am not careful, He is going to kick me right out of that place because at the end of the day, what matters is my walk and relationship with Him and the things that have me feeling this way, though they matter, I cannot allow them to change the way my life with Him goes and is.....we all fail, we all have our things and what matters is that I know that who I am is who He is pushing me to be, that His opinion is what matters and I know where I have changed and grown...so I am going to take my cynical self and throw it out the door....love me, don't love me...judge me or not, I know that I can't let myself become cynical and in the same regard work on the things I said above...He is not done with me yet.
 

Book Review: "All Things New" by Lynn Austin

Again, I was lucky to be picked by Bethany House to receive a free book by an author that I already enjoy. 

Josphine, her sister and her mother return to their Virgina plantation after the war between the North and South.  Her father and one brother lost their lives in the war and her other brother comes home completely bitter and broken.  Their home is just a shell of what is was and only one couple has chosen to stay on as employees after their freedom has finally been won.  Josphine finds herself in a broken relationship with God, struggling to finally find herself and place in this new life without what used to be and battling with family and a community who still believes that slavery is what is right.  Through an unexpecited relationship, Josphine begins to find her place, her heart and her relationship with Him....

I loved this book, and found myself constantly wiping away tears....there is nothing more beautiful that people finding spiritual freedom, but when their actual freedom is given, the struggle to find their place and realize just who they are --- this book is an absolute treasure of learning, loving and understanding what just one community was like after the war was over....I see His love and handiwork in so many different situations, struggles and it is beautiful to see where people realize that the mindset they always had, was not what was really right....Lynn Austin has a wonderful accuracy in the historical aspects of the time, the feelings and just what really happens when a family divides.  

A book review: "A Hidden Truth" by Judith Miller

I am an avid reader and love all types of books. I am a Judith Miller fan so I was excited to try a new book of hers. When presented a way to review books through Bethany House publishing, I jumped. I was quick enough to be be part of the group to receive a free copy and was excited to receive the book.

The main characters Karlina and Dovie are both at crossroads in their lives. One is doing a job that is not common for a girl to do in her culture/community of the Amana Colony. The other is coming to visit to learn more of her late mother who was originally from this same Colony and trying to understand more of the mom who passed away to soon.

I was caught and intrigued quickly with in the first chapter because I think Judith Miller is incredibly historically accurate in all her books and I was excited to learn about a new culture/community. The trials and crossroads the main and other characters of the book show a deep honesty that in all different walks and times of life, we all have similar struggles...the gentleness of the way she showed Jesus and His lessons was beautiful. I really enjoyed this book and would recommend it to anyone who wants to be touched in the ways that He works, who enjoys learning about other ways and time periods of life and who just wants to enjoy a wonderful read by a truly gifted author.

Tyndale Rewards

I am excited that I have recently found another way to earn free books.  Through a friend, I was given a way to link up with Bethany to possibly review books for them and will be posting my review soon as I just received my first book to review from them!

Tyndale also has an amazing rewards program and you can earn free books by reviewing books that they publish as well!!! Check it out at www.TyndaleRewards.com 

For those who love to read as much as I do, this is a great way to earn points towards free books and who doesn't love a free books!!!

If you desire to sign up with them, please use this link to help me earn extra points - http://www.tyndalerewards.com/signup/?pc=kwrp-jqzk-8p86-j2qy

Happy Reading :)

Do we notice....

Life has just been in a mode that is exhausting.  The constant battle to make sure that you are doing what is right for your children, your spouse, and for yourself makes a person weary.  Aaron's schedule is hard on us.  Working afternoons T-Sat makes very little time for family and each each other.  Since Sunday is his only day off that we are all off, we have decided to take a step back and spend the next few weeks focusing on our family unit and reconnecting as a family.  We are taking a break from church and teaching and are going to spend that time together, just the four of us.  Some may think that giving up church for a few weeks is wrong or unchristian like.  Frankly, I have hit a point where I do not really care.  If you base me faith and belief in Him on how many times I grace the door of our church, then you obviously do not know me or my husband.  This wasn't some lightly made decision, but it is one that is necessary and needed because our family is suffering - mostly our kids are suffering.  They miss their Daddy and he misses them - and the disconnect is hard and taxing on us all.  Our responsibility is to them and to make sure that we are not losing touch with them and our mutual love for HIM.  Sometimes I think we as Christian's get so caught up in doing and reaching out to others that we forget to look in our own homes, in our own churches and we do not see that there are people in those walls that are hurting, suffering, feeling alone and unaccepted and we drop the ball on what is just as important as the lost - we forgot the lost and seeking among us.  Life gets so patterned - sometimes rejuvenation is necessary.  

We are in  the midst of making huge decisions for our future - purchasing a home, continuing education...the fact is that we need to breath.  I want to eat a meal with my boys and not have to worry about where we have to be or what we have to do in a day...I want to sit back and watch my husband and boys laugh and find joy in just being able to relax and spend time together.  I want to wake up without having to rush around for the sake of what is "right" and instead wake up, sit at the table with the three most important people in my life and talk about the most important things in our lives - God, each other and our next step as a family.  

Honestly, when my relationship with Aaron struggles, when my family is hurting, my relationship with HIM struggles.  They are so interwoven and connected...and when one of us four is struggling, it infects us all....whose to say that anyone will even really notice is we are missing for a few weeks - what I do know is that HE won't miss us because we will be worshiping HIM in our own home, as a family.  

James teaches us that our faith without works is dead.  A family without faith is dead, a family without the ability to connect within that faith is crumbling like a house built on sand.  So I look forward to filling in the cracked foundation with cement instead of the creeping sand and letting my family become solid again.  God has given us a beautiful gift in giving us our sons and with that gift comes responsibility to nurture and guide, teach and reproach...life has made it hard to do anything but daily tasks and halfhearted moments...I won't be the parent whose kid loses their way because looking like the perfect family became more important then actually doing what needs to be done to be a strong, loving family -

Do we really notice that there are people who need us to do works within our faith right next to us?  Do we really notice that the daughter or son down the hall needs us to be a parent?  That our spouse needs us to just notice that we NEED hugged?  That the person in the pew in front of us, next to us, behind us is smiling for looks but crying within themselves?  Have we forgotten to look in the room and see what is in front of us because we are more focused on the block over?  

Maybe nothing I say here makes much sense.  There will probably be some that think or assume that there is sin or we are backslidden...there will be some that won't notice or care...but I tell you that there will be two boys without a doubt who will notice that there parents took time to notice that they needed them, who will get personal time to talk about Jesus, ask questions and have their parents be fully present with them...there will be a family of four who will notice each other...and give each other the grace and mercy that comes with healing, support and love.  Most of all, my boys will get to see that their parents chose them over anything else, heard their cries for time with each other and who know that at the end of the day, we put HIS command to us, for them, into action.  That is what matters to me.  Teaching my boys that not only are they to treat us in the way HE has commanded, but that we are just as commanded to them...